Some Stuff

Kimber reports.

Since we haven't written in a while, I thought I'd present a menagerie of entertaining things, so as to be sure to meet everyone's tastes. Rumor has it our regular readership is up to three. On a side note, the thermostat in the classroom I'm writing this in is way off, so it's eighty-five degrees in here, and the heaters are still blowing full force. Stupid building management people, they must have turned cannibal and will throw some potatoes in the classroom any minute to roast along with all of the students.

The first selection is from an article on fatherhood. I just thought it was funny, and very true.

"Since Kate’s birth, I categorize all things in life into two categories: Things That Can Kill the Baby and Things That Cannot Kill the Baby. Open jug of bleach? Category one. Angry boss? Category two. By dealing with ultimate peril, you are much more calm and collected about all the other nonsense."

The second selection is an excerpt from my class notes for creative writing. The assignment was to write down fifteen events that might happen in a story. I think the purpose of this was to better understand the concept of plot points, but I'm not sure, as I don't really pay attention in classes where I can see heat waves coming off my desk.

1. Hitler buys a fabulous new pair of shoes.

2. Winston Churchill gets jealous of those shoes and commissions a pair of his own, even more fabulous shoes.

3. Because of Hitler’s anti-Semitism, all of the Jewish shoemakers have left Germany and immigrated to England, where they make still more fabulous shoes for Churchill.

4. Paris, the fashion capital, declares Churchill’s shoes to be the most fabulous.

5. Hitler gets mad and invades, threatening their supply of wine and cheese.

6. The French give up, but still insist that Churchill’s shoes are better.

7. Hitler gets madder and rounds up all the Jews to get revenge on them for making fabulous shoes for Churchill and not him.

8. Churchill starts drinking because of his depression caused by the genocide of the best shoe makers.

9. Hitler starts dating Eva Braun, as she has a generous shoe collection, and surprisingly large feet.

10. Meanwhile, FDR is feeling left out, as shoes are not his forte because of the whole crippled-by-polio thing.

11. Once Hitler agreed to facilitate the trade of Italian leather to Japan for their shoes, the Japanese agreed to bomb Pearl Harbor; the main port for pacific shoe shipments, and thus ensure that the US would have only drab, domestic footwear.

12. FDR felt this was a direct goading about his inability to properly showcase any kind of shoes at all, much less deftly crafted designer heels. So he gave a speech to congress and then proceeded to bomb the hell out of Germany and Japan.

13. Germany was doing well in the war until Hitler diverted an increasing number of resources to developing the “ubershoe”. The best strategic minds were taken off of troop movements and devoted to arch support. Sadly, this caused Germany’s downfall, and the beloved Fuhrer’s “ubershoe” was burned with his body in order to keep the allies from ever knowing its glory. In recent years some vague plans have been found, but no one has yet been able to reconstruct what the “ubershoe” might have looked like.

14. The US then turned its attention on Japan. The Manhattan project had really been the secret task of making New York the new fashion capital of the world, but while calculating the perfect ratio of leg length to lipstick color the atomic bomb was inadvertently discovered (why do you think they call them blonde bombshells?). After much deliberation, the US decided to use the bomb on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, the two main shoe producing cities of Japan. Devastated by the loss of their most fashionable footwear, the Japanese surrendered, as they knew there was no greater shame than wearing second-rate shoes.

15. Recognizing that he couldn’t lead the US as the new world shoe superpower, FDR faked his own death, and Truman, who had the marvelously thin ankles necessary to showcase truly beautiful footwear, became president and lead the nation into the great unknown, kicking his heels all the way.

The third item of interest today is a picture of Nolan next to himself in an alternate universe. For the director's edition of the Donnie Darko DVD, a contest was held to find out who the number one fan was. The winner was a guy who looks and acts a lot like Nolan. A lot a lot. Anyone who knows Nolan should check out the DVD and watch the extra features. It's scary.



The fourth, and final, selection is another creative writing exercise. We were to write a story that could be contained within a paragraph.

As the sun rose over the castle, it revealed a horrible scene in the highest tower. The floor was littered with smashed vases, scattered jewelry, torn bed sheets, and a murdered frog. In the middle of it all stood the princess, screaming “you lied!”