Independence Day

Kimber wastes space writing useless crap.

Hello all, I didn't want to let a major national holiday go by without posting on the blog (because our blog is so important and has a huge readership who checks it daily), so I thought I'd write something. The trouble is, I don't have anything to write.

However, I do have several things to complain about, but I can't do it openly, since I've found out that a few more people read the blog than I thought they did, and I don't want to hurt their feelings. So I will write about it in code.

Gossipy Item One:
Once upon a time there was a little self-absorbed canary who thought the world revolved around him. Once a year every year he would become more self-absorbed than usual, and would demand that people pay attention to him, even though there were lots of other things to pay attention to on that particular day. Still the little canary threw hissy fits and pouted every time he didn't get what he wanted, so everyone eventually gave in to what he wanted, even though they all knew he was being a giant buttbag. One day, a little shrew decided to stick it to the canary and tell him that he was being a buttbag, but the canary cried, and everyone thought it was the shrew that was being mean, and so they told him off, even though everyone knew that it was just the canary trying to get attention. The shrew didn't let this bother him though, because the gift he'd gotten the canary was returnable, and in any case, canaries die sooner.

Gossipy Item Two:
Once upon a time in a land far, far away, a princess was having trouble with her laundry. Since she was trying to be eco-friendly, she air-dried all her clothes, but then they started to smell like mildew. The princess was very upset, because she liked to smell good; like flowers and spices, not like mold and potentially-respiratory-problem-causing-spores. She decided to wash all her clothes with a very powerful potion which would make the mildew smell disappear, but unfortunately her kingdom had been hit by the recession as well, so she couldn't afford it. So now the princess is stuck in a crappy situation because she doesn't have enough money to buy her way out and isn't clever enough to think her way out. Sadly, this is the moral of all but a very few stories.

Gossipy Item Three:
Once upon a time, a very long time ago, there was a club of wood elves who would meet together and bake cookies (not the Keebler elves, those guys are pathetic copy-cats, though they do make some damn good cookies). Eventually they moved on with their lives and branched out to do different things, but they still had fond memories of each other, and so decided to have a get-together where they could bake cookies again and laugh and play. One very small elf named Drib decided to go, but she was very nervous because while the other elves had learned magic and found fairies to prance around with, she had only learned the art of cynicism and apathy. The get-together was fun for everyone but Drib, who was too nervous about her own lack of accomplishment to be happy for others. Drib left early, and decided to never go again. However, Drib did have an outlet for her stories(if only a very small one), and so Drib was able to make fun of all the happy elves, even if only a few other elves ever heard her.