In my head, Santa is busy at this very moment pulling old toys out of the garbage to give to kids. You think the recession didn't hit the North Pole? Think again bitches. Half of the elves were laid off because Santa couldn't get a bail-out. Enjoy your gifts.
This year, due to a messy divorce, will be the first year I spend at home. Usually my family goes out of state during Christmas in order to visit grandparents, but since grandparents and parents are now biased against one another, I decided to just stay home. Though the divorce is sad, staying home for Christmas is making me very happy.
As part of my first Christmas at home, I've decided to make a feast, which will include roast duck, ratatouille, vegetable strudel, and orange custard cake, among other things. I invited my extended family in Utah to come, and they accepted, which also made me happy. However, my extended family (read: grandmother, aunt, and aunt's husband and children) later decided they weren't coming after all, as last year they had Christmas dinner at my aunts house. Last year was the only year they've done this, but they decided it's a tradition now, so none of them will be coming to my meal.
There are several problems with their decision. One: my aunt is a crappy cook. My food will be lightyears better. Two: one year does not a tradition make. Three: they should have declined the invitation in the first place, instead of causing me the trouble of having to revamp an entire dinner to fit the new, reduced guest list. Four: this aunt is always bitching about how we should support each other and spend more time together, yet she has rejected every single one of our invitations to do so. Five: KIMBER ANGRY.
The holidays are the time where we're supposed to become more selfless, more thoughtful, and more inclined to commit our resources towards the good of all mankind. However, I have fallen prey to the relentless advertising and am simply looking for more places to buy better things.
Unfortunately, one of the best places to buy the awesomest things does not have a location in Utah. Yes people, I'm talking about Trader Joe's. It's a grocery store with recycled, free-range, organic, free-trade, sustainable, and imported products that are surprisingly cheap. Trader Joe's has a wide selection of spices, cookies, juices, and chocolate, all of which are extremely delicious. If you thought the arrival of In-N-Out to Utah was spectacular, then Trader Joe's will blow your mind.
But let's get back to the topic at hand: Christmas service. We shouldn't be concentrating on what awesome deals we can get on Japanese ice cream balls or the more worrying aspects of recycled toilet paper. We should be concentrating about how we can better the world and lift each others' spirits. Of course, if you want to multi-task, then you can perform the extremely invaluable service of requesting Trader Joe's to set up a location in Utah by going to:
and filling out a quick little form. If enough of us do this, they will hopefully be convinced to come to our little mountain state, and everyone will be insanely over-joyed and live happily ever after. You will have taken part in one of the most noble efforts this Christmas season, and it won't have even taken up much of your time at all. Plus, you'll have another place you can go Christmas shopping.
...Kimber will now provide something, and invites our readers to discuss whether or not it is funny, and if it is, how much so on a scale of one to ten, one being the least funny, ten being the most funny.