Sunday, November 30, 2008

Happy Belated Thanksgiving

This is Kimber, posting a picture of my sister Caralee, who is holding her thanksgiving day creation.


Replying to the email was his first mistake. A mistake that would cost J.O.G. more than the amount he gave to Mr Bandabaloobi.

"Mr Bandabaloobi said he was from the Nigerian Bank" said J.O.G. "We first met when he wrote me an email explaining he needed me to transfer 3 million dollars out of the country because a rich old guy had died and the government was going to keep the money unless I could help and for this I would receive a percentage."

"I gave them my account details and bought a plane ticket to Nigeria to meet Mr Bandabaloobi and sign the transfer papers."

"Once I arrived I was beaten and taken to a small hotel room on the outskirts of town. I was stripped and kissed by dark and very hairy men. One of the men, named Carl, was very gentle and told me he loved me but the others were rough. So very rough. I struggled and told them I was a friend of Mr Bandabaloobi but they tied me up and took turns kissing my beautiful body, touching me and making me do things I had sometimes thought about and imagined, but had never expected to really happen because I am straight."

"The fact that one of the men looked like a black version of my dad kind of freaked me out and Carl turned out to be huge but like i said, he was very gentle and we just took things really slow. He's cool, we have swapped emails since. Nothing gay though, cause he knows I am straight."

"Having survived the ordeal and returned home, my only regret is that I missed my meeting with Mr Bandabaloobi and didnt get to see any african animals like giraffes and lions and those little things that peek up really quick and look around and then pop back down really quick. They are really cool. They are like those little dogs that live on the prairie. Cant remember what those ones are called either but they look a little bit like otters. They dont live in water like otters though, they live on the prairies. No, I dont know what a prairie is."

Friday, November 28, 2008

My name is Kurtis

Hello, my name is Kurtis and I like to tell people that I am mentally capable of playing Halo. I'm really good at Halo. One day I will marry the people that make Halo. When I'm not thinking about Halo I do other fun stuff. Some fun things I like to do is eating all my food/soda, not showering, thinking about Halo(I know I already said this but I love it soooo much!), and pretending to take a half hour nap in my bedroom with lube.

This is a picture of my good buddy Devin. When he's not watching I sneak onto his laptop and close his web browser.

I'm also bi and Nolan's secret boyfriend. Damn I'm ugly.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Related to an Arachnoid

This is Devin. Nolan confessed to me the other day that he was going to write this hilariously dirty post on being James Bond's body guard until he decided it was immature. It's really too bad since lately we've been lacking in Nolan posts.
Now lets move on. Today I self taught myself a little bit of photoshop. After three hours I recreated the Sistine Chapel Ceiling with nothing but the paint tool but unfortunately I was using a PC and it decided to crash and corrupt the file. So instead I salvaged this picture of my cousin from the archives. His name is Grant but he has attained the nickname of Grantula. I don't really know how he became this way. Although he does have a brother named Stinkin(Lincoln) so it's not too far of a stretch.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

A Simile and Metaphor Writing Exercise

This is an excerpt from Kimber's creative writing class notes. This is an accurate example of the kind of notes I take in class; it would be funny if it weren't sad that I was learing so little.

My life story in S&M. Ha ha. I was born looking like a tiny raisin with angry fists attached. My childhood was as dull as a lead pencil after a visit to the testing center, but as imaginative as a Dr. Seuss story about inedible food. I really hate this class. Hate it like a recovering sex addict hates girls in short skirts and guys in clingy cashmere sweaters. Also, I’m still shakey from my last class and the presentation I did in it. I hate everything. I probably shouldn’t have worn heels today; it’s only adding to the distemperment. Additionally, my paycheck hasn’t cleared yet at the bank, and I really need it to. I don’t think I’ve ever actually finished one of these writing exercises. So, in the interest of tradition, I will now zone out.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Random Pictures!!

Feast your pupils upon this!! This is Devin
This is a picture Nolan drew. I thought that since I put up some of my pictures we should see some of his masterwork as well (it's the cityfolk talking, not the spider).

This is a girl. I think she's my sister.
UPDATE: She is my sister. Her name is Jenaye. But we all call her naynay.

This is a potato

Thursday, November 20, 2008

salmon patties taste awesome

Nolan here with an important announcement

Due to a constant cursing of immanent rapeage from ferret. I have decided to stop running from my fate and join the army. the event will happen in the near future after society sticks their penis up my butt with no remorse.

Hopefully after a few months I'll get to meet James Bond and work by his side as a personal body guard. Some may ask "what does personal body guard do for bond? The answer is simple: make sure all women that offer to sleep with him contain no deadly weapons hidden in their cleavage. I will also have to observe Bond during his orgy and make sure his "partner" does not shift to a hazardous position like the pile driver, or whatever. If his partner persists to do such a thing I will be forced to shoot her in the head, afterwards I will take responsibility for my actions and "relieve" Bond with my bare hands.

okay this is not funny anymore. it never was funny I am not laughing at all

As Per Your Request

Kimber gleefully obliges.

Recent polls show that the Time to Wipe the Crack readership really, really wants to see more random pictures. Since we only write to please, I thought I'd post some.

The first is a picture of what food will look like in the future, or what it looks like after two days of congealing in a Chinese take-out box in my miniscule refridgerator.

The second is a photograph of Devin looking very heroic.

The third, and final, picture is a warning sign posted on the side of a van. It's delightfully nonsensical.

On a side note, I'd like to officially announce that I'm very excited about next semester's classes. I think that's mostly because I don't have to do any work for them right now, so I have all the romance of learning without any of the stress, sweat, or tears.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Some Stuff

Kimber reports.

Since we haven't written in a while, I thought I'd present a menagerie of entertaining things, so as to be sure to meet everyone's tastes. Rumor has it our regular readership is up to three. On a side note, the thermostat in the classroom I'm writing this in is way off, so it's eighty-five degrees in here, and the heaters are still blowing full force. Stupid building management people, they must have turned cannibal and will throw some potatoes in the classroom any minute to roast along with all of the students.

The first selection is from an article on fatherhood. I just thought it was funny, and very true.

"Since Kate’s birth, I categorize all things in life into two categories: Things That Can Kill the Baby and Things That Cannot Kill the Baby. Open jug of bleach? Category one. Angry boss? Category two. By dealing with ultimate peril, you are much more calm and collected about all the other nonsense."

The second selection is an excerpt from my class notes for creative writing. The assignment was to write down fifteen events that might happen in a story. I think the purpose of this was to better understand the concept of plot points, but I'm not sure, as I don't really pay attention in classes where I can see heat waves coming off my desk.

1. Hitler buys a fabulous new pair of shoes.

2. Winston Churchill gets jealous of those shoes and commissions a pair of his own, even more fabulous shoes.

3. Because of Hitler’s anti-Semitism, all of the Jewish shoemakers have left Germany and immigrated to England, where they make still more fabulous shoes for Churchill.

4. Paris, the fashion capital, declares Churchill’s shoes to be the most fabulous.

5. Hitler gets mad and invades, threatening their supply of wine and cheese.

6. The French give up, but still insist that Churchill’s shoes are better.

7. Hitler gets madder and rounds up all the Jews to get revenge on them for making fabulous shoes for Churchill and not him.

8. Churchill starts drinking because of his depression caused by the genocide of the best shoe makers.

9. Hitler starts dating Eva Braun, as she has a generous shoe collection, and surprisingly large feet.

10. Meanwhile, FDR is feeling left out, as shoes are not his forte because of the whole crippled-by-polio thing.

11. Once Hitler agreed to facilitate the trade of Italian leather to Japan for their shoes, the Japanese agreed to bomb Pearl Harbor; the main port for pacific shoe shipments, and thus ensure that the US would have only drab, domestic footwear.

12. FDR felt this was a direct goading about his inability to properly showcase any kind of shoes at all, much less deftly crafted designer heels. So he gave a speech to congress and then proceeded to bomb the hell out of Germany and Japan.

13. Germany was doing well in the war until Hitler diverted an increasing number of resources to developing the “ubershoe”. The best strategic minds were taken off of troop movements and devoted to arch support. Sadly, this caused Germany’s downfall, and the beloved Fuhrer’s “ubershoe” was burned with his body in order to keep the allies from ever knowing its glory. In recent years some vague plans have been found, but no one has yet been able to reconstruct what the “ubershoe” might have looked like.

14. The US then turned its attention on Japan. The Manhattan project had really been the secret task of making New York the new fashion capital of the world, but while calculating the perfect ratio of leg length to lipstick color the atomic bomb was inadvertently discovered (why do you think they call them blonde bombshells?). After much deliberation, the US decided to use the bomb on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, the two main shoe producing cities of Japan. Devastated by the loss of their most fashionable footwear, the Japanese surrendered, as they knew there was no greater shame than wearing second-rate shoes.

15. Recognizing that he couldn’t lead the US as the new world shoe superpower, FDR faked his own death, and Truman, who had the marvelously thin ankles necessary to showcase truly beautiful footwear, became president and lead the nation into the great unknown, kicking his heels all the way.

The third item of interest today is a picture of Nolan next to himself in an alternate universe. For the director's edition of the Donnie Darko DVD, a contest was held to find out who the number one fan was. The winner was a guy who looks and acts a lot like Nolan. A lot a lot. Anyone who knows Nolan should check out the DVD and watch the extra features. It's scary.

The fourth, and final, selection is another creative writing exercise. We were to write a story that could be contained within a paragraph.

As the sun rose over the castle, it revealed a horrible scene in the highest tower. The floor was littered with smashed vases, scattered jewelry, torn bed sheets, and a murdered frog. In the middle of it all stood the princess, screaming “you lied!”

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Nolan knows how to travel through time

This is Devin and the title is not lying. Watch this video for proof.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

I'm so abused (sexually)

This is Nolan

It's been a while since I've written in this blog. The reason being is that I've been having a not so secret affair with deviant art, where people actually look at and comment my work. I haven't given them my name, after all thanks to Kimber and Devin, I am now on the ten most wanted list. Because of these two my sexual offenses are no longer secret. For example: the last clip was supposed to be a personal porno where I show my bare naked chest for my OWN pleasure. (i'm just too sexy, the only thing that turns me on is myself) But NOOOO, Devin and Kimber want a piece of my sexyness, and when I say NOOOOO, They post it online out of spite and everyone knows I'm a child molester... I mean THINKS IM A CHILD MOLESTER, THINKS!

Anyway, we've been working on pornographic choose your own adventure stories, The character's name is Jack Off Good. Because of my artistic vision Jack Off Good is not a human, but a giant penis that makes out with hot chicks. I think we should make it in an adult swim cartoon. It would be awesome. HUZZAH

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Nolan portrays his manliness

This is Devin. Here's some footage Nolan filmed a long time ago when we still lived in Pleasant Grove. Watch it quickly because Nolan could delete it without any warning. He does things like that.