Wednesday, December 31, 2008

today is the last day of 2008

This is Devin. First of all I would like to say that the main reason new posts haven't been coming in is because the three writers of this blog are all lazy. Also I don't know what to write about. My life is boring.
Anyways, the other day I looked up "Flight of the Conchords season 2" and found a legit video showing the entire premiere for season 2. Of course I watched it and I won't say anything to spoil it or sway your opinion. You can watch it here.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

It's Christmas!

Kimber writes.

I thought we should have at least some kind of post on Christmas day. I was going to post a picture, but I'm on my Great Aunt's computer while everyone thinks I'm downstairs setting the table, so I kind of need to hurry. I'll just take the time to say Merry Christmas to everyone, and to remark that Christmas, for me, is like the rest of the year all crushed into one day; a lot of family, even more food, and a buttload of dishes, with a few gifts to satisfy the materialist in all of us, and a few touching moments to counteract all the crappy ones.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Blizzard=gay, cold, and awesome

Here in Utah there is a huge bumper crop of snow. Which also means that I don't have to dream of a white Christmas since it's a reality. Take that warm, rarely snowy states like Texas! You get the reality of a dry Christmas. Eat that Grant (in actuality I would love to be you right now).
Also Nolan finished one of his previous posts and you can read it here in case you missed it before.
Also recently I had some sushi and it was awesome. I now crave it constantly. This morning I told my youngest brother that there was a really awesome present on the front porch. Foolishly he opened the door and then I promptly tried to shove him outside(all he was wearing was a shirt and whity tightys). For some reason he was displeased from my display of brotherly love and ran under his sleeping bag and cried. He is better now.Um, Merry Christmas.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Good job, if you didn't cheat.

Kimber worries.

I recently (within the last three hours) completed finals for fall semester. This would have been a good feeling, except that one professor refused to hand back my term paper because he thinks I cheated.

Cheating is a serious accusation at any university, but at BYU it's especially bad, as they can throw you out and refuse to take you back. I can handle being thrown out, but a refusal to take me back would be crushing.

The professor, who shall not be named here, thinks I cheated because "no undergraduate could have written a paper this good". This really should be a compliment, but for some reason it just makes my stomach curl over on itself and my knees go weak. I think a lot of the bad feelings have to do with the fact that even after I was taken into a separate room and quizzed for twenty minutes, the professor still wanted an electronic copy to run on a plagarism-check. I thought I explained every aspect of the paper very well, but he needed more proof.

I should take the time to state here that I did not cheat. I may suck at showing up to class, finding the motivation to do the reading, and taking tests, but when I write a paper, I write it well, and I write it for myself. No outsourcing here.

I do think the professor is a little silly to quiz me on the paper and then run it through a plagarism-check afterwards. If I'm smart enough to learn everything about the paper without having written it, wouldn't I be smart enough to have had it written just for me by a trusted source, rather than just copying and pasting any old article? What he should have done is checked it first (even if he didn't have an electronic copy he could have tricked me and asked for one claiming he'd lost the paper I gave him, demanded that the entire class send him an electronic copy for no reason so that I wouldn't know he only wanted one from me, scanned the hard copy into a computer with a text-recognition program, or even just have his fawning TA re-type it; it was only six pages) and then asked me to explain it. If he really thinks I'm cheating, doesn't he want to give himself the best chance to catch me?

In the end though, I think what makes me feel so icky about the whole thing is the fact that he never said anything clearly one way or the other. He started things off by saying that he wanted to talk to me about my paper, and then went right into quizzing me about the most arbitrary aspects of it. It was only halfway through the interview that I realized he wasn't confused or interested, but suspicious. At the end of the inquisition, when I should have reasonably been able to satisfy his doubts, he said something like "Well, it was certainly the most interesting and indepth of all the papers I'ver read this semester. That's actuallly the purpose of the assignment and what I'd like to see out of the class, so, good job, if you didn't cheat".

I think we can all learn a valuable lesson from this about what happens when one puts real effort into a class.

P.S. I would post the paper here so both of our faithful readers can see for themselves that the paper wasn't really so mind-blowingly good as to merit all this trouble, but I don't want it to show up when the professor does his plagarism check. You'll just have to live without the edification of my research on medieval translation theory as it relates to Chaucer's Canterbury Tales.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

I'm in Logan

This is Devin and I'm actually not in Logan. I am in a little town called Providence that is nearby Logan. I am visiting my cousins and borrowing their wireless internet. They are good, fun people. They have a dog and his name is Max. This is Max. He is a muttdog.
My cousins also have a little child named Miles. He is five years old and very into trains and toys. This is Miles. He is actually very well behaved.

Recently I decided to check in the blog archive and see if there are any posts that were never published. What I found was terrifying. There were three posts that were unfinished and written by Nolan. There is a first draft of Nolan bodyguarding James Bond, a short post on South Park, and an unfinished post on Nolan criticizing himself. I have decided to post these drafts. Look swiftly because it's super likely that Nolan may take these down. The draft posts are below this one so scroll down. Oh, and the latest post is too short to have it's own posthood so I just copied and pasted it below. Have fun.


this is Nolan

I recently watched south park and I think it is super funny. Cartm

salmon patties taste awesome

Nolan here with an important announcement

Due to a constant cursing of immanent rapeage from ferret. I have decided to stop running from my fate and join the army. the event will happen in the near future after society sticks their penis up my butt with no remorse.

Hopefully after a few months I'll get to meet James Bond and work by his side as a personal body guard. Some may ask "what does personal body guard do for bond? The answer is simple: make sure all women that offer to sleep with him contain no deadly weapons hidden in their cleavage. I will also have to observe Bond during his orgy and make sure his "partner" does not shift to a hazardous position like the pile driver, or whatever. If his partner persists to do such a thing I will be forced to shoot her in the head, afterwards I will take responsibility for my actions and "relieve" Bond with my bare hands.

okay this is not funny anymore. it never was funny I am not laughing at all

I suck and blow at writing :(

This is Nolan

I recently read some of my old posts. It shocked me at how horrible my grammar was. I can't believe that after 15 years I still write like an 8 year old. This is one of the reasons I decided to join the Navy.

People join the military in the first place because of situations like mine. Some people discover their life is meaningless, others discover that they actually do not enjoy being butt raped by their cousin. Others just wanna shoot a gun and get paid to do it. (Which is another reason I'm joining)

In other news I just wanna say that lately as of the last two days I've been really horny. I don't know if it's the tomatoes I eat or the porno Kimber e-mails me but what ever it is it has got to stop! Instead of focusing on school work my mind wanders to lush boobish and tight arse. often I find myself watching Dr who in hope of even the simplest hint of potential voyeurism. However Dr who has proved a fruitless effort for the past 20 plus years it's run. I failed my final because I couldn't think of anything but what Katie Farmer would look like naked!

Ok that's disgusting this is not funny anymore, I feel some puke in the back of my throat from what I just said.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

I'm Surrounded by Babies

Kimber notes that she is the only one who hasn't freaked out entirely and changed the blog in some huge way.

Dear Devin,
I did not mean to offend you by saying that your blog was disgusting. I was only giving the truth of my opinion and I apologize that it hurt your feelings. However, you're being a huge baby about it. So one blog about poo grossed me out, you don't have to change the whole title of the blog, comment on my financial status, and post my address online for stalkers to benefit from. Grow up.

Actually, don't. Being super immature is much more fun, even if it means having frequently hurt feelings.


P.S. Jarrett, that link you posted was hilarious.

A public statement

This is a public announcement from Devin who is better known as 'poo-writer' or 'feces-blogger'. Kimber is a buttface.

Hello public, all I have to say is that I am deeply and sincerely sorry for my latest post on V8 monsters crawling out my butt. I only wish I could compensate you for the five minutes you wasted reading my terrible confession, butt alas I am too poor and sick. One day when my ship sails in, I will send everyone checks in the mail along with a list of things you can do in the future to prevent yourself from reading my next post. One suggestion I have is to make a list of interesting websites that you can look at so that when you realize that you're heading in the direction of this blog you can look at you're list and quickly divert yourself to a safer place.
Also I will be changing the blog name from 'Time to wipe the crack' to 'Time to wipe your mind of Devin's horrible poo story'. I am hoping that this simple change will make the blog harder to find so that less people will be exposed to stuff that they are not ready for.
I have to say sorry Jarret, Kimber, Nolan, and Grant for reading my post and expecting something better. I am sorry that only one of the four of you have a real job and therefore nothing better to do. If you want I can google jobs for the three of you to show how sincere I am with this apology. The last thing I would like to add is that Kimber may argue that she does have a real job but I know she doesn't since she subtly suggests that her income is AWOL. So if any of you have a heart send some money to this address.
[Address removed by Kimber who doesn't want to be raped in the night, or in the day, or at all.]
If your sending a check then fill it out to Devin Renshaw. I'm going to cash all the money so that Kimber will get a big wad of ones when I surprise give it to her and I can't cash it if it has her name on the check. It would ruin the surprise somehow.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Moving On

Kimber writes a blog simply so that last disgusting blog about tomato juice poo isn't the first thing that comes up when people see this blog.

I think Christmas cards are silly. It's a ridiculous tradition that I haven't bothered to figure out how it started, but still. Why write a letter about everything your family has done over the year and put it in a card that you make everyone in the family sign? It doesn't make sense; if you really liked the people you were sending these cards to, wouldn't you have talked to them at some point in the last year and let them know how everyone was doing? And if you don't like them enough to talk to them at least once a year, why waste the forty-two cents to send them a letter which tells them the stuff which you couldn't be bothered to talk to them about?

Christmas parties, on the other hand, rock. They are also pointless, but at least serve the very useful purpose of lending an excuse to a lack of productivity. Plus they have a lot of food which usually isn't made but once a year. At least that's how it is in my family (my mom is a very lazy baker).

I wish I had a picture to put at the end of this blog, but I don't. Also, I don't really have any conclusion planned, I was just frustrated about Christmas cards, but happy about Christmas parties.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Hare's a picture.

Get it? Hare's a picture? Yeah it's gay. Shutup bitch.
So this is the younger daywalker Devin. If you don't understand what daywalker means then watch some South Park. According to this show I have no soul and my parents are afraid of me. Also here's something they won't tell you: when I drink V8 I get the cramps and poop out these horrible little monsters.

So today I decided to try and draw a picture of one of them. So I drank some spicy V8 and quickly clubbed it when it's hideous face popped out the chute. Since an unconscious model is the best model(don't ask how I know this) I was able to squeeze two pictures through before browney(I named it) woke up and crawled into the toilet drain. On retrospect it's probably a good thing that I don't really like V8(I just drink it for the unusual shat pleasure) especially since there's no telling what these little buggers could do to our plumbing. Unfortunately, Nolan loves V8 and craves it constantly. I also believe his chocolate dragons to be composed of a different animal than mine since something new and strange leaves hair in the shower drain while simultaneously eating all my food. But if you discount the evidence that I also eat my food and take showers, there is a vague possibility of it being Nolan himself. Shocking and disturbing. I know. Will anything ever be done to curb this menace? The most likely answer is,"No". The world is indeed a screwed up place.
Entity from my ass

Friday, December 5, 2008

What Separates Us

Kimber rambles.

Pushing in your chair is what separates us from the animals. It's a small thing, but if you think about it, most of the crap we go through every day is the result of someone else not being responsible for themselves. Blocked aisle ways? Thoughtless losers couldn't muster the energy needed to give a slight push to a light piece of furniture. Disgusting table at a restaurant? Some jerk made a mess and didn't clean it up. Traffic jam? An idiot braked when he didn't need to, someone got in an accident (not accidental at all; they just weren't paying attention), too many people are talking on their cell phones while driving. Noisy kid in a quiet place? The parents didn't use protection, or they didn't teach their kid manners, which is their job as parents.

I conclude that all the problems in the world are some body's fault, except for the ones I cause. I'm responsible for apple mush on the bottom of the shoes of anyone who walks on the south side of three hundred north between five hundred and six hundred east, I'm responsible for one missionary being sad, several relatives being disappointed, and for one really gross fish tank which I swear I'm going to clean this weekend. But at least I push in my chair.

Here is a picture:

It is acai berry sherbet. Acai berries have a lot of antioxidants, are super-healthy in general, and taste very good. However, in this picture, it looks like a bowl full of purple poo.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

E-bay Sucks

Kimber Rants.

E-bay, which I've been using a lot lately to fulfill Christmas hopes and dreams, sucks. A lot. Actually, it doesn't, but it seems like it does, because not only are you trying to buy something, you're also trying to win it from other people. Thus the sadness of not being able to afford something is compounded by the fact that someone else was directly responsible for your comparative poverty.

This is a really unfair rant, because I'm actually doing quite well on e-bay (the trick is to buy things that no one else wants, or cheap stuff of which there are hundreds of items available), but I just lost the thing I was trying for the most. By fifty cents. Crap.

Here is a picture.

This is not what I was trying to win, by the way.

Nolan the awesome guard of the man body; James bond

Nolan here

Recently I watched Casino Royal and Quantum of Solace. I came up with two conclusions about James Bond. One: every woman he has sex with or almost has sex with dies. Two: he's a different actor every three or four movies. I believe the reason for my second observation is because poor James Bond dies from heart break and resurrects in a different form. Due to this situation I have decided to take on the responsibility to become James Bond's body guard.

The job description said that I simply had to defend him from death by heart break, by taking responsibility for his leftovers. I asked what this meant, and M Said that it meant I would constantly hang around James, and after he was through with his orgy doing hot steamy women, I would then take his place for the honer of england, (not america) and assume the "defender" position. (a sensual position that would defend and pleasure them at the same time).

benefits include: free health care, dental, sloppy seconds, all illegitimate children bills payed for by the government, free college, and as a personal request: a personal slave to clean Ferret's mouth for all the dirty stuff he says.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Darth Kurtis

Hello it's me Kurtis. Yesterday I bought myself a lightsaber that features spring action and to scale size of real life lighsabers. Devin filmed me while I pulled off my skilled, backbreaking moves. I only bought it yesterday and I'm already at level 7!! If you want to duel with me than contact Devin. Just so you know, I will win.

P.S. I love you Nolan