Saturday, June 27, 2009

Nolan's postcard and one million giraffes

This is Devin.

Last monday we wrote another postcard to Nolan. It's a secret what the contents of the postcard actually entail. Especially since I didn't scan in that side and forgot what it said. But I drew the picture on the other side and I thought you would enjoy it.
Sorry Kimber. I know you wanted the printed out picture but Jarret asked me to draw it because he thought it would be funnier.

Also today, I discovered a website where a guy is trying to collect one million Giraffes. So far he has 5169 giraffes and so he still needs 994,831. He wants to get them all by 2011 and he has predicted that he'll need a drawing every minute in order for it to happen. So impossible in other words. Feeling sorry for the guy I drew a giraffe picture.
According to the guy's rules this picture counts as two giraffes. I also encourage all our readers/ writers to draw giraffe pictures. It would be fun.

And yes I know the giraffe picture sucks. I drew it in like five minutes so screw you.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

BYU: The Perfect Cult

Kimber explains.

A number of people are of the opinion that the Mormon church is a cult wherein people wear crazy underwear and drink goats blood in order to have lots and lots of children. As a member of the Mormon church, I feel qualified to explain that the church is simply a religious organization dedicated to bringing people closer to God, and nothing more. The real cult is hidden in the church's educational system.

You see, Mormon children are indoctrinated to BYU from the day they are born. A good many of them were babies when their parents were still on campus completing degrees, and so these children's baby pictures are filled with Cosmo the Cougar (BYU's mascot), Wymount apartments (BYU's married student housing), and trips to BYU events with grandma and grandpa dressed in BYU blue. There's even a BYU Baby Beauty contest (which I won) to get children used to competing with each other at BYU for impossible standards (the baby beauty contest is to date the only impossible BYU standard which I have not felt an inordinate amount of stress over. It's actually quite possible that I did experience some anxiety, but I don't remember it, and I look happy in the pictures, so I'm going to say that I was a very confident, carefree one year old).

BYU has recently decided to expand their children's marketing by creating a baby cougar clothing line, in which Cosmo is rendered as an adorable cougar club, and parents can buy their children pint-sized cheer leading outfits and other school-spirit wear. So far only the hard-core college sports fans families have invested in this, but I expect that BYU will find a way to market to the math nerds, the fantasy fans, and even the counter-culture before the decade is out.

Children get a bit of a break in their late years from BYU, if their parents graduate soon enough, move far enough away, and care little for their alma mater (these three events are rare, but combined together they make the perfect storm, the product of which is the Jack Mormon) but the BYU cult comes back when one reaches adolescence and the age of eligibility for EFY.

Especially For Youth is hell. I should admit here that I've never gone, so I don't have the inside experience, but I loathe summers at BYU when pimply loud-mouthed teenagers descend on campus like a swarm of brightly dressed, over-enthusiastic locusts. The teens that attend this event are made to sing songs, attend talks, and walk in pairs all over campus (heaven forbid that a girl should walk unescorted without the support of a man's arm). The scary part is that most of them are excited to do it, and are sad when they have to leave.

As soon as one is almost too old to attend EFY, it comes time to apply to college. This is where BYU plays its greatest mind trick ever. Whereas most colleges court prospective applicants with postcards, letters, and invitations to visit campus, BYU is strangely silent. Even when a student sends them their ACT or SAT scores, BYU responds only with a polite thank you postcard, and a flimsy key chain.

My personal opinion is that this seals the idea of BYU as all-powerful institution in the student's mind. BYU is so massively huge that even when someone has a 31 on their ACT, a 3.7 GPA, and crazy-mad writing skills, BYU doesn't feel the need to even send them a get-to-know-us-before-you-make-your-decision pamphlet, but instead waits for that same student to apply and hold their breath for four months until BYU makes its decision. BYU is further solidified as unapproachably omnipotent by the fact that it is a church school. If you do badly here, it's not just a problem with your knowledge base, there's likely a problem with your testimony, and maybe even God is unhappy with you.

As cruel as all this sounds, I think that this is the final coup de grace where the indoctrination to BYU is made complete. People tend to want what they can't have, and BYU lets people go for eighteen years wanting them before they let you know that they don't necessarily want you. It's the few and the strong that are able to disregard the megalith of blue when this happens and move on with their lives. The rest of us are left only to wonder what it is we did wrong, and what we can do to win BYU back.

Of course, I hear that the easy cure is attending the University of Utah, but it is a drastic option, and one that would require the purchase of a new, non-blue wardrobe.

Monday, June 22, 2009

My spider sense is tingling!!

This is Devin.

I found this on the internet and was shocked and entertained at the same time. I don't want to spoil it so here it is. Gibson would be proud(a gay comic book teacher I had once, he thought that Batman was abused as a child).

Please post your thoughts in the comments.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Happy hour at Time to Wipe the Crack

Devin here.

It has come to my attention that depression has been at an all time high here at time to wipe the crack. The cause of this epidemic may be for several reasons, such as Nolan leaving, Grant leaving(months back, but still), summer school for Kimber, and brat children reminding Devin of why he moved out in the first place.
So in an attempt to stem the tide of cry baby faces, I have for you two videos that at the very least will provide destraction for a couple minutes. Even if it doesn't solve anyone's problems.

The first video is about office romance with music and post-its.
Also because our blog layout is too thin and nobody knows how to fix it, I recommend clicking on the video so that you can see it at youtube in its whole widened glory.

The second video is about a pelican eating a smaller bird.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009


Kimber wonders why it is that the more important and looming the deadline is, the less she is able to focus.

Here is a picture.

It represents remarkably well what I feel like at this very moment.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

2nd letter from Boot Camp Hell

This is Devin with an important delivery. Nolan sent us a second letter from Boot Camp telling us all about how retarded his shipmates are and how his butt gets eaten on a daily basis. Here it is. Be happy.
Also Kimber and I the other day were discussing a radical plan to gain more readership. There may or may not be more news in the next couple days/weeks/years. Stay tuned.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Red Alert at Time to Wipe the Crack

Kimber reports.

We are in a panic mode here at Time to Wipe the Crack, as due to Nolan's joining the Navy, and Grant's forgetting about us completely, we have very few readers left. The staff is concerned, as their jobs depend on the popularity of this blog, and so they have pitched the following ideas to increase readership:

1. Sign Eric Idle (of Monty Python fame) to start guest writing pieces. Encourage him to write humorous songs as well.

2. Hack into's servers so that every time people try to go to their website, they get re-directed to ours.

3. Invent a device that allows computers to manufacture chocolate, but only after the user has left a positive comment on our blog.

4. We'll get back to you on four. Government censorship is currently keeping us from telling you just how awesome idea number four really is.

5. Get Bill Gates to somehow endorse us, as well as force users of his software to visit our site every time they go online.

6. Place ads for Time to Wipe the Crack during children's television, and include an annoying theme song, so their parents will be forced to visit the site in order to get their children to shut up.

7. Suggestion number seven is just as awesome as suggestion number four, except that it has sparkles, so it's double-censored.

8. We could post a series of pictures that are so disgusting and offensive that some group will protest them, thus causing people to check out the site to see what all the fuss is about. Perhaps a picture of Nolan in his underwear might do.

9. Since Leno is starting a new late night show (except that it won't air so late at night), one of the Time to Wipe the Crack staff could try to get a job on it, then write subliminal messaging advertisements into our jokes. Thousands of middle-agers would log on to our blog without ever knowing why.

10. Make the blog even more awesome than it is now.

So, dear and few readers, vote in the comments section for which suggestion you think is the best. Or we could always just write more consistently with higher quality. That could work too.

P.S. Nolan, I only made that snide remark about you in your underwear because I'm jealous of how much sexier you are then me. I'll never be able to compare. Sigh.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Oprah Really Is Stupid

Kimber reports on why Oprah sucks.

This is a section from a Newsweek article on how Oprah gives bad advice. I like anything that criticizes Oprah, but I especially liked these two paragraphs.

On one of the Secret shows, Oprah gave an example of the scientific power of the concept. She said that once, while she was hosting an episode about a man who could blow really big soap bubbles, she was thinking to herself, "Gee, that looks fun. I would like to blow some bubbles." When she returned to her office after the show, there, on her desk, was a silver Tiffany bubble blower. "So I call my assistant," Oprah told the audience. "I say, 'Did you just run out and get me some bubbles? 'Cause I got bubbles by my desk.' And she says, 'No, the bubbles were always there. I bought you bubbles for your birthday and you didn't notice them until today'."

There are many lessons that might be drawn from this anecdote. One is that if you give Oprah a thoughtful gift, she may not bother to notice it or thank you for it. This is not the lesson Oprah took away from her story. Because the way she sees it, her assistant hadn't really given her the gift at all. She gave it to herself. Using the power of The Secret, she said, "I had called in some bubbles."

Bottom Line: Oprah is ape-shit crazy.

You can read the whole article here:

Why My Sister is a Bad Aunt

Kimber explains.

Being a busy college student with a lot of stress, I decided to leave my dog with my sister for the weekend so I could get some work done. I didn't get any work done, and now I have a very ill-behaved dog because my sister was neglectful and ditzy. Despite the fact that Spartacus has already chewed up the sprinkler system drip lines once, and my sister helped our dad replace them, she still thought it was a good idea to let him out into the yard unattended.

Spartacus took that opportunity to re-destroy all the drip lines, rip apart all the welcome mats he could reach, and individually deposit dozens of those little white landscaping rocks all over the yard. The best part is that I promised my dad I wouldn't let Spartacus out of the house without supervision, and have been very careful with him for the last two weeks whenever we came home. Now I'll get blamed for how naughty my dog was, rather than how stupid my sister was.

My sister also decided that it wasn't very important to let the dog outside when she was home, so I got a lecture on how gross Spartacus was for pooping on the linoleum, when she hadn't let him out for a whole day. Apparently it didn't occur to her that the dog might need to relieve himself at some point.

Further more, Spartacus was allowed to jump up on people, run wild, and ignore commands, so the few things in his training that he was doing well with are now all screwed up. I've spent most of the waking hours today yelling at Spartacus for things that my sister wouldn't do anything about.

However, once mean mommy (me) showed up, Spartacus towed the line like a good little puppy. Apparently his training is fine. It's my sister's I'll have to work on.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Letter time!

This is Devin and today there will be double posts. Lucky you.
I hope you will be able to tell the differences between my post and Kimber's. Remember that her post is at the expense of Summer whereas mine will be at the expense of Nolan. Lets begin.

Firstly, I found this in the mail pile today and thought that it was too good to pass up(look at the receiving address and click on the picture to make it more readable).
All I really want to know is if Nocan is pronounced with a 'k' sound or an 's' sound. Vote in the comments below.

Alright, this is the moment you have all been waiting for. Reading Nocan's letter. Here is the envelope he sent.

And here is the letter.

Fun times. Now who wants to put together a package?

Why I Hate My Summer

Kimber complains

1. I’m in school. Summer can’t be enjoyed when one has to attend class and complete homework.

2. My clothes smell weird. I think it has something to do with my dog, or the fact that I air dry them, and so they’re getting moldy.

3. The sun is too hot. I know that without it we’d die, but it’s gotten a little too enthusiastic about providing light and heat for the world.

4. I don’t know what to do after graduation. My parents have questioned me enough about future plans that I now no longer look forward to being free from school, but only dread the real life responsibilities of finding a job, getting health insurance, and getting up at a reasonable time every morning.

5. Certain people. Certain people have gone crazy with power after certain people’s parents left for Europe. Certain people think they are the center of the universe merely by merit of going to work even though it’s summer time, but certain people also suck at taking responsibility for anything they won’t be applauded or paid for.

6. White guilt. I don’t know why, but in two out of my three classes, the unspoken title of the class seems to be “A Seminar in Why Whitey Sucks”. My professors and classmates both have an inability to study ethnic or minority literature without reveling in white guilt. However, they do it with an air of superiority for being able to recognize their privileged lives, and then go home satisfied that they have been smugly apologetic for the difficulties of troubled peoples. I just end up feeling miserable because of my pasty skin and supposed resulting racism.

7. Weeds. They grow faster than I can pull them, and Spartacus thinks that I’m playing a game every time I do yard work, so not only do I have to pull weeds, I have to simultaneously play fetch with my dog so he won’t drag the unwanted plants around the yard, thus causing them to take root again.

8. Utilities. I don’t have an air conditioner, and my upstairs neighbor does, yet she still insists on splitting utilities right down the middle, even though she keeps the AC on full blast in the dead of night when even a polar bear would be comfortable with the outside temperature.

9. Memory lapses. I don’t remember a lot of things anymore, like when my sisters ask me to do something, when I make plans for the future, or when I’m trying to complete basic household tasks. I blame the heat, but it could very possibly be early onset Alzheimer’s.

10. No vacations. Isn’t summer all about vacations? It’s called summer vacation, yet because of school, I am unable to go on weekend jaunts, road trips, family visits, or even personal retreats. The closest things I’ve gotten to a vacation since February was when my phone died and I found a candy bar behind my ramen supply.