Tuesday, April 28, 2009

A Shout-Out No One Will Hear

Kimber gushes approval.

My family has season tickets to Hale Center Theater, a theater company located in Orem, and one of the few good playhouses in Utah Valley. Right now, the HCT is putting on William Shakespeare's As You Like It, and it's a rather excellent production. I would like to recommend that everyone should go see it, but since few people read this blog (and some of our readers are in other states), it's unlikely that my favorable review will make a difference. Still, good things deserve a good word, so here are a few.

I've seen the director of this production, Chris Clark, put on other Shakespeare plays before. Actually only one, but his work has been consistently excellent between the two plays. He understands how Shakespeare was originally performed (in a rather bawdy fashion, if truth be told), and he stays faithful to that. His renditions of Shakespeare make the plays understandable, the characters loveable, and the performances memorable (in a "oh, how marvelous" way, not a "I thought it would never end" sort of way), which is no small feat for a director of Shakespeare.

As You Like It is a neat little romantic comedy where everyone gets paired off at the end, despite a bit of cross-dressing, and the audience gets to enjoy more than a few good laughs along the way. The casting is excellent (I've seen the play twice; both sets of casts have their strong and their weak points, but they're both worth watching), and the actors have truely committed to their roles. There's singing, dancing, fighting, and even a dash of physical comedy remeniscent of Charlie Chaplin. A string duet accompanies the action of the play with surprisingly fitting music, the sets are ingenious, and the costumes are deftly crafted. All in all, this is one of the better productions HTC has put on in a while, and one of the best versions of Shakespeare I've seen, including the MST3K version of Hamlet.

I wish I had more power to get people to go to this play, but I don't, so the best that I can hope for is that someone more influential than I recognizes the talent involved (on all fronts) in this production, and forces a large group of school children to see it. If you are reading this, I suggest you go quickly, before all the tickets are snapped up by high schoolers looking to fill their Shakespeare requirement for senior English.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Future Nolan

Hey you guys, this is Devin.
I would just like to share with you a quick clip I found on the interweb(don't worry this time I didn't steal it from failblog). This movie creeped me out SO MUCH that I decided that I must be staring through a hole in the space/time continuum and I was viewing Nolan in the future. Although I am a little hurt that there is no mention of me, or the nerd night posse. C'mon Nolan! have you forgotten us so easily?
If you want to visit Future Nolan's youtube page go here.

This man is so oblivious to the fact that his dogs will eat him in his sleep one day. I feel sorry for him. He is just so crazy.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Murder is Bad


Why are there so many murderers out there in the world? Like teachers that murder your motivation. Or directors that murder the film industry. Or even real murderers that kill people.
But the main thing I think want to know is, why do so many people suck and not realize it? Like Paris Hilton; although she's rich so she doesn't care I guess. But there are others who just have mediocre personalities, like almost every student at BYU or UVU. Geez, it's gotten so bad that when I tell people I plan on going back to college they ask me, "Oh which school? BYU or UVU?" Has it ever occurred to you that I could want to take the easy, cheap route and go to Snow, or Dixie or something? In fact lately I've been thinking about MATC, since they are cheap and have the classes I want. I have no idea where this post is going.

For a wrap up, I challenge everyone to come up with a list of murdering bitches in the comments below. Have fun.

Here is a funny video of a real murderer. No I don't indorse real murder

UPDATE: you have to click on the link, then click on the link that shows up. Don't panic

Monday, April 20, 2009

Things That Annoy Kimber (Part III)

I am annoyed by retarded people who assume that their safety is others' responsibility. I am thinking specifically of the BYU students who live in my neighborhood and wander through the streets without any regard for their lives. I drive slowly and am attentive behind the wheel, but when people hide behind parked cars and then step out unexpectedly in front of my moving one, I can't help but be surprised. For some reason, I always get a dirty look from them after slamming on the breaks in order to save their life. I think from now on I'll be nicer to my brakes and less nice to them. They can't give me a dirty look if they're under my back wheel.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Things that Annoy Kimber (Part II)

I hate girls that have my name. Kims and Kimberlys are fine, because those are stupid names anyway, but people who go by Kimber suck, because that's my name. By the way, my name really is Kimber; that's how it's written on my birth certificate. I've noticed that a lot of other Kimbers are really just Kimberlys trying to be as cool as I am.

I'm also very annoyed every time I sleep through something. For example, this morning I hit my snooze button one too many times, and slept through a final. Now I'm screwed.

The end.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Things That Annoy Kimber (the first in a series)

Kimber rants (obviously).

I'm extremely annoyed by big-haired, bleachy blonde, valley girls with orange skin and long nails who claim to be modern women in the sense that they don't care about their appearance or dating and are focused on their education and career, yet invest hours at the hair salon, are constantly touching up their make-up, and flirt outrageously. I'm also annoyed when women who claim to want equal rights insist that the boy always pay on dates, and whine when the dates are lavish affairs. What really annoys me though, is when girls like that look down on girls like me because of my appearance, and label me as a freak simply because they can't keep up with the references I make.

You might have already guessed, but I had a bad experience on campus today. Oh yeah, and finals suck.

P.S. For something happy (and we could all do with seeing something happy), go here:

Thursday, April 16, 2009

I want a dog dammit.

Devin present.

I just realized that we missed the one year anniversary of this blog. We missed it by 34 days. So I shall celebrate it 34 days late. I did want to remind our readers that this blog is dedicated to a very special doggy, his name was Thunder. Now a history lesson:

I started writing this blog in March last year after my parents got separated and my dog died(don't worry I don't mean this post to be overly sappy or anything). The early life of this blog sucked bad. After coming up with a purely ridiculous name, I wrote about seven posts then gave up. The blog ceased to be entertaining and I was depressed because not even my own family would read this blog(they still don't, the buttholes). All seemed to be lost and the blog gods wept. I went about my life as usual and did stuff like move away from home, learn how to longboard, and go to nerd night. I had almost forgotten the blog when Kimber said, "Duh, hey Devin lets do da blog again." I translated this to mean that she wanted to help me write some posts and so of course I responded with a ,"Yes Kimber let us indeed do the blog again, it will be epic". Somewhere around here Nolan joined the party and on May 26, 2008 Kimber wrote the first return post. From then on it's all history. And the blog still hasn't shown true epicness. Although it has been quite funny. Happy blog anniversary I guess!

Oh and a big thank you to our two readers. :)

Dog in question

Monday, April 13, 2009

things that annoy Nolan

This is Nolan, *hard core game show music comes on now* bow shika wow wow!

In response to Devins last post, I would like to point out that he missed a few things when he mentioned: things that annoy him. We are both annoyed by the same things more or less. and though it's true that Kenton is one of them, he is by far one of the least of our annoyance problems. For instance: there is a troll that lives in our basement who is totally secluded and horrible to everyone who looks at it. Yesterday we watched a movie called: Troll 2. I found it ironic how the trolls reminded me of the people and monsters in my home; I also found it ironic how the main villain reminded me and Jerret of Kimber. I could easily take Kenton, Kimber, and the troll in our basement and remake Troll 2 with virtually little to no difference. No joke!

Last night I had a horrible night terror, In all seriousness I woke up screaming bloody murder, my heart was racing 100 mph, I was sitting up in bed. I cant' remember what I dreamed, but considering It was the same night I watched Troll 2 and (god forbid) Twilight. I'm guessing it had to either be: a dream of Edward looking at me while I slept; or a dream of Kenton, Kimber, and the troll from my basement all feeding me corn... yeah corn- It was a highlight food from Troll 2.

In conclusion to end this journal I would also like to say that since the title doesn't fit with the subject matter:

my dad annoys me most.

Some things that annoy Devin

Police: They're assholes who will arrest you for a broken headlight that you fixed months ago. Other wise they hide and ticket you for going 35 in a 25 mph zone at midnight when your all alone on the road.

Little Kids: They can be cute until they remind you how far they can barf or how big they can poo(and guess who gets to clean it up?)

Horses: They're stupid as hell, they'll destroy your pasture, and they have the power to kill or injure you. I'm not sure why girls like them.

Kenton: My first younger brother who reminds me of the brat in Troll 2. Nuf said

Jared(not Jarret): My little brother's friend who invites himself over every day, destroys our house, and is just plain mean and stupid to people younger than he (like Brysen, my youngest sibling).

Jared's parents: What the hell people? We don't watch your little ugly kid all day! Have you ever considered that Kenton could play at your house instead of vise versa? You could call sooner than ten 'o' clock pm for your brat to come home!! You know what? F@!& you!

People that constantly point out the obvious and mundane: This can be humorous when used in conjunction with a friendly conversation but most of the time it is irksome and just serves to piss me off. It's especially bad when people do this and believe that they are insightful.

Right now I can't think of anything else that annoys me. What annoys you?

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

How to Make a Hollywood Name

Kimber informs.

Everyone knows that a regular name isn't good enough to become a star with. Only people whose parents are crazy enough to give them freak monikers can go into show business with their own names (i.e. Paris Hilton). The rest of us have to rename ourselves before submitting to public scrutiny.

What everyone doesn't know is that there is a simple system to create a Hollywood name, with no need to slave over syllable count and consonant combinations. All you have to do is use your middle name for your first name, and the street you grew up on as your last name. For example, if your full name was William Edward Bunting, and you grew up on Wood Way, you would become Ed Wood. That's not really how Ed Wood got his name, but still, the system works.

For my own amusement, please submit your own celebrity name so I may mock it in private. Also, here's a little tid bit for your growing gee whiz collection: Cary Grant's real name was Archie Leach.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Kimber speculates.

Supposedly, bodyguards opened fire on the paparazzi at Gisele Bundchen's and Tom Brady's wedding. One of those is a Victoria's secret model, the other is a New England Patriots quarterback, I'll let you figure out which is which. You can read the whole story here:


The question I'd like to pose is this: did the photographers deserve it? This is a cruel question, but we're generally cruel people here at Time to Wipe the Crack. I happened to watch Fox's TMZ the other night, and I can't help but think that paparazzi are scum, and perhaps deserve to put their lives in danger every time they follow people around (even if they're only following ditzy, shallow losers who secretly like the attention). I think we should even the playing field a bit by allowing celebrities to apply for hunting permits for the paparazzi. Then the entire love-hate relationship would be more fun for all of us. The paparazzi would have to get more creative in getting that prime photo of a star taking their trash out, and the stars would have the opportunity to take care of their own pest problem, rather than having their bodyguards do it.

I feel a little split suggesting this, as I can already see myself being villainized in the news for suggesting open-hunting of people, but I'm not too worried, as not a lot of people really read this blog, and the news getting ahold of it would just increase our readership. Still, a disclaimer: I do not advocate the killing of human beings, except for criminals, child molesters, and a number of fictional characters (i.e. the entire population of the Twilight novels).

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Spartacus in Clothes

Kimber Coos in delight.

Here are more pictures of my dog Spartacus, but this time he's wearing a sweater. I know some people think this is cruel, but I think it's adorable, and I only leave him in it for a little at a time.

He's naked in the last one. I thought it was funny.