Wednesday, December 31, 2008

today is the last day of 2008

This is Devin. First of all I would like to say that the main reason new posts haven't been coming in is because the three writers of this blog are all lazy. Also I don't know what to write about. My life is boring.
Anyways, the other day I looked up "Flight of the Conchords season 2" and found a legit video showing the entire premiere for season 2. Of course I watched it and I won't say anything to spoil it or sway your opinion. You can watch it here.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

It's Christmas!

Kimber writes.

I thought we should have at least some kind of post on Christmas day. I was going to post a picture, but I'm on my Great Aunt's computer while everyone thinks I'm downstairs setting the table, so I kind of need to hurry. I'll just take the time to say Merry Christmas to everyone, and to remark that Christmas, for me, is like the rest of the year all crushed into one day; a lot of family, even more food, and a buttload of dishes, with a few gifts to satisfy the materialist in all of us, and a few touching moments to counteract all the crappy ones.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Blizzard=gay, cold, and awesome

Here in Utah there is a huge bumper crop of snow. Which also means that I don't have to dream of a white Christmas since it's a reality. Take that warm, rarely snowy states like Texas! You get the reality of a dry Christmas. Eat that Grant (in actuality I would love to be you right now).
Also Nolan finished one of his previous posts and you can read it here in case you missed it before.
Also recently I had some sushi and it was awesome. I now crave it constantly. This morning I told my youngest brother that there was a really awesome present on the front porch. Foolishly he opened the door and then I promptly tried to shove him outside(all he was wearing was a shirt and whity tightys). For some reason he was displeased from my display of brotherly love and ran under his sleeping bag and cried. He is better now.Um, Merry Christmas.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Good job, if you didn't cheat.

Kimber worries.

I recently (within the last three hours) completed finals for fall semester. This would have been a good feeling, except that one professor refused to hand back my term paper because he thinks I cheated.

Cheating is a serious accusation at any university, but at BYU it's especially bad, as they can throw you out and refuse to take you back. I can handle being thrown out, but a refusal to take me back would be crushing.

The professor, who shall not be named here, thinks I cheated because "no undergraduate could have written a paper this good". This really should be a compliment, but for some reason it just makes my stomach curl over on itself and my knees go weak. I think a lot of the bad feelings have to do with the fact that even after I was taken into a separate room and quizzed for twenty minutes, the professor still wanted an electronic copy to run on a plagarism-check. I thought I explained every aspect of the paper very well, but he needed more proof.

I should take the time to state here that I did not cheat. I may suck at showing up to class, finding the motivation to do the reading, and taking tests, but when I write a paper, I write it well, and I write it for myself. No outsourcing here.

I do think the professor is a little silly to quiz me on the paper and then run it through a plagarism-check afterwards. If I'm smart enough to learn everything about the paper without having written it, wouldn't I be smart enough to have had it written just for me by a trusted source, rather than just copying and pasting any old article? What he should have done is checked it first (even if he didn't have an electronic copy he could have tricked me and asked for one claiming he'd lost the paper I gave him, demanded that the entire class send him an electronic copy for no reason so that I wouldn't know he only wanted one from me, scanned the hard copy into a computer with a text-recognition program, or even just have his fawning TA re-type it; it was only six pages) and then asked me to explain it. If he really thinks I'm cheating, doesn't he want to give himself the best chance to catch me?

In the end though, I think what makes me feel so icky about the whole thing is the fact that he never said anything clearly one way or the other. He started things off by saying that he wanted to talk to me about my paper, and then went right into quizzing me about the most arbitrary aspects of it. It was only halfway through the interview that I realized he wasn't confused or interested, but suspicious. At the end of the inquisition, when I should have reasonably been able to satisfy his doubts, he said something like "Well, it was certainly the most interesting and indepth of all the papers I'ver read this semester. That's actuallly the purpose of the assignment and what I'd like to see out of the class, so, good job, if you didn't cheat".

I think we can all learn a valuable lesson from this about what happens when one puts real effort into a class.

P.S. I would post the paper here so both of our faithful readers can see for themselves that the paper wasn't really so mind-blowingly good as to merit all this trouble, but I don't want it to show up when the professor does his plagarism check. You'll just have to live without the edification of my research on medieval translation theory as it relates to Chaucer's Canterbury Tales.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

I'm in Logan

This is Devin and I'm actually not in Logan. I am in a little town called Providence that is nearby Logan. I am visiting my cousins and borrowing their wireless internet. They are good, fun people. They have a dog and his name is Max. This is Max. He is a muttdog.
My cousins also have a little child named Miles. He is five years old and very into trains and toys. This is Miles. He is actually very well behaved.

Recently I decided to check in the blog archive and see if there are any posts that were never published. What I found was terrifying. There were three posts that were unfinished and written by Nolan. There is a first draft of Nolan bodyguarding James Bond, a short post on South Park, and an unfinished post on Nolan criticizing himself. I have decided to post these drafts. Look swiftly because it's super likely that Nolan may take these down. The draft posts are below this one so scroll down. Oh, and the latest post is too short to have it's own posthood so I just copied and pasted it below. Have fun.

PISSS UP MY ASSS

this is Nolan

I recently watched south park and I think it is super funny. Cartm

salmon patties taste awesome

Nolan here with an important announcement

Due to a constant cursing of immanent rapeage from ferret. I have decided to stop running from my fate and join the army. the event will happen in the near future after society sticks their penis up my butt with no remorse.

Hopefully after a few months I'll get to meet James Bond and work by his side as a personal body guard. Some may ask "what does personal body guard do for bond? The answer is simple: make sure all women that offer to sleep with him contain no deadly weapons hidden in their cleavage. I will also have to observe Bond during his orgy and make sure his "partner" does not shift to a hazardous position like the pile driver, or whatever. If his partner persists to do such a thing I will be forced to shoot her in the head, afterwards I will take responsibility for my actions and "relieve" Bond with my bare hands.

okay this is not funny anymore. it never was funny I am not laughing at all

I suck and blow at writing :(

This is Nolan

I recently read some of my old posts. It shocked me at how horrible my grammar was. I can't believe that after 15 years I still write like an 8 year old. This is one of the reasons I decided to join the Navy.

People join the military in the first place because of situations like mine. Some people discover their life is meaningless, others discover that they actually do not enjoy being butt raped by their cousin. Others just wanna shoot a gun and get paid to do it. (Which is another reason I'm joining)

In other news I just wanna say that lately as of the last two days I've been really horny. I don't know if it's the tomatoes I eat or the porno Kimber e-mails me but what ever it is it has got to stop! Instead of focusing on school work my mind wanders to lush boobish and tight arse. often I find myself watching Dr who in hope of even the simplest hint of potential voyeurism. However Dr who has proved a fruitless effort for the past 20 plus years it's run. I failed my final because I couldn't think of anything but what Katie Farmer would look like naked!

Ok that's disgusting this is not funny anymore, I feel some puke in the back of my throat from what I just said.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

I'm Surrounded by Babies

Kimber notes that she is the only one who hasn't freaked out entirely and changed the blog in some huge way.

Dear Devin,
I did not mean to offend you by saying that your blog was disgusting. I was only giving the truth of my opinion and I apologize that it hurt your feelings. However, you're being a huge baby about it. So one blog about poo grossed me out, you don't have to change the whole title of the blog, comment on my financial status, and post my address online for stalkers to benefit from. Grow up.

Actually, don't. Being super immature is much more fun, even if it means having frequently hurt feelings.

Sincerely,
Kimber

P.S. Jarrett, that link you posted was hilarious.

A public statement

This is a public announcement from Devin who is better known as 'poo-writer' or 'feces-blogger'. Kimber is a buttface.

Hello public, all I have to say is that I am deeply and sincerely sorry for my latest post on V8 monsters crawling out my butt. I only wish I could compensate you for the five minutes you wasted reading my terrible confession, butt alas I am too poor and sick. One day when my ship sails in, I will send everyone checks in the mail along with a list of things you can do in the future to prevent yourself from reading my next post. One suggestion I have is to make a list of interesting websites that you can look at so that when you realize that you're heading in the direction of this blog you can look at you're list and quickly divert yourself to a safer place.
Also I will be changing the blog name from 'Time to wipe the crack' to 'Time to wipe your mind of Devin's horrible poo story'. I am hoping that this simple change will make the blog harder to find so that less people will be exposed to stuff that they are not ready for.
I have to say sorry Jarret, Kimber, Nolan, and Grant for reading my post and expecting something better. I am sorry that only one of the four of you have a real job and therefore nothing better to do. If you want I can google jobs for the three of you to show how sincere I am with this apology. The last thing I would like to add is that Kimber may argue that she does have a real job but I know she doesn't since she subtly suggests that her income is AWOL. So if any of you have a heart send some money to this address.
[Address removed by Kimber who doesn't want to be raped in the night, or in the day, or at all.]
If your sending a check then fill it out to Devin Renshaw. I'm going to cash all the money so that Kimber will get a big wad of ones when I surprise give it to her and I can't cash it if it has her name on the check. It would ruin the surprise somehow.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Moving On

Kimber writes a blog simply so that last disgusting blog about tomato juice poo isn't the first thing that comes up when people see this blog.

I think Christmas cards are silly. It's a ridiculous tradition that I haven't bothered to figure out how it started, but still. Why write a letter about everything your family has done over the year and put it in a card that you make everyone in the family sign? It doesn't make sense; if you really liked the people you were sending these cards to, wouldn't you have talked to them at some point in the last year and let them know how everyone was doing? And if you don't like them enough to talk to them at least once a year, why waste the forty-two cents to send them a letter which tells them the stuff which you couldn't be bothered to talk to them about?

Christmas parties, on the other hand, rock. They are also pointless, but at least serve the very useful purpose of lending an excuse to a lack of productivity. Plus they have a lot of food which usually isn't made but once a year. At least that's how it is in my family (my mom is a very lazy baker).

I wish I had a picture to put at the end of this blog, but I don't. Also, I don't really have any conclusion planned, I was just frustrated about Christmas cards, but happy about Christmas parties.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Hare's a picture.


Get it? Hare's a picture? Yeah it's gay. Shutup bitch.
So this is the younger daywalker Devin. If you don't understand what daywalker means then watch some South Park. According to this show I have no soul and my parents are afraid of me. Also here's something they won't tell you: when I drink V8 I get the cramps and poop out these horrible little monsters.

So today I decided to try and draw a picture of one of them. So I drank some spicy V8 and quickly clubbed it when it's hideous face popped out the chute. Since an unconscious model is the best model(don't ask how I know this) I was able to squeeze two pictures through before browney(I named it) woke up and crawled into the toilet drain. On retrospect it's probably a good thing that I don't really like V8(I just drink it for the unusual shat pleasure) especially since there's no telling what these little buggers could do to our plumbing. Unfortunately, Nolan loves V8 and craves it constantly. I also believe his chocolate dragons to be composed of a different animal than mine since something new and strange leaves hair in the shower drain while simultaneously eating all my food. But if you discount the evidence that I also eat my food and take showers, there is a vague possibility of it being Nolan himself. Shocking and disturbing. I know. Will anything ever be done to curb this menace? The most likely answer is,"No". The world is indeed a screwed up place.
Entity from my ass

Friday, December 5, 2008

What Separates Us

Kimber rambles.

Pushing in your chair is what separates us from the animals. It's a small thing, but if you think about it, most of the crap we go through every day is the result of someone else not being responsible for themselves. Blocked aisle ways? Thoughtless losers couldn't muster the energy needed to give a slight push to a light piece of furniture. Disgusting table at a restaurant? Some jerk made a mess and didn't clean it up. Traffic jam? An idiot braked when he didn't need to, someone got in an accident (not accidental at all; they just weren't paying attention), too many people are talking on their cell phones while driving. Noisy kid in a quiet place? The parents didn't use protection, or they didn't teach their kid manners, which is their job as parents.

I conclude that all the problems in the world are some body's fault, except for the ones I cause. I'm responsible for apple mush on the bottom of the shoes of anyone who walks on the south side of three hundred north between five hundred and six hundred east, I'm responsible for one missionary being sad, several relatives being disappointed, and for one really gross fish tank which I swear I'm going to clean this weekend. But at least I push in my chair.

Here is a picture:

It is acai berry sherbet. Acai berries have a lot of antioxidants, are super-healthy in general, and taste very good. However, in this picture, it looks like a bowl full of purple poo.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

E-bay Sucks

Kimber Rants.

E-bay, which I've been using a lot lately to fulfill Christmas hopes and dreams, sucks. A lot. Actually, it doesn't, but it seems like it does, because not only are you trying to buy something, you're also trying to win it from other people. Thus the sadness of not being able to afford something is compounded by the fact that someone else was directly responsible for your comparative poverty.

This is a really unfair rant, because I'm actually doing quite well on e-bay (the trick is to buy things that no one else wants, or cheap stuff of which there are hundreds of items available), but I just lost the thing I was trying for the most. By fifty cents. Crap.

Here is a picture.



This is not what I was trying to win, by the way.

Nolan the awesome guard of the man body; James bond

Nolan here

Recently I watched Casino Royal and Quantum of Solace. I came up with two conclusions about James Bond. One: every woman he has sex with or almost has sex with dies. Two: he's a different actor every three or four movies. I believe the reason for my second observation is because poor James Bond dies from heart break and resurrects in a different form. Due to this situation I have decided to take on the responsibility to become James Bond's body guard.

The job description said that I simply had to defend him from death by heart break, by taking responsibility for his leftovers. I asked what this meant, and M Said that it meant I would constantly hang around James, and after he was through with his orgy doing hot steamy women, I would then take his place for the honer of england, (not america) and assume the "defender" position. (a sensual position that would defend and pleasure them at the same time).

benefits include: free health care, dental, sloppy seconds, all illegitimate children bills payed for by the government, free college, and as a personal request: a personal slave to clean Ferret's mouth for all the dirty stuff he says.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Darth Kurtis

Hello it's me Kurtis. Yesterday I bought myself a lightsaber that features spring action and to scale size of real life lighsabers. Devin filmed me while I pulled off my skilled, backbreaking moves. I only bought it yesterday and I'm already at level 7!! If you want to duel with me than contact Devin. Just so you know, I will win.

P.S. I love you Nolan

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Happy Belated Thanksgiving



This is Kimber, posting a picture of my sister Caralee, who is holding her thanksgiving day creation.

omg

Replying to the email was his first mistake. A mistake that would cost J.O.G. more than the amount he gave to Mr Bandabaloobi.

"Mr Bandabaloobi said he was from the Nigerian Bank" said J.O.G. "We first met when he wrote me an email explaining he needed me to transfer 3 million dollars out of the country because a rich old guy had died and the government was going to keep the money unless I could help and for this I would receive a percentage."

"I gave them my account details and bought a plane ticket to Nigeria to meet Mr Bandabaloobi and sign the transfer papers."

"Once I arrived I was beaten and taken to a small hotel room on the outskirts of town. I was stripped and kissed by dark and very hairy men. One of the men, named Carl, was very gentle and told me he loved me but the others were rough. So very rough. I struggled and told them I was a friend of Mr Bandabaloobi but they tied me up and took turns kissing my beautiful body, touching me and making me do things I had sometimes thought about and imagined, but had never expected to really happen because I am straight."

"The fact that one of the men looked like a black version of my dad kind of freaked me out and Carl turned out to be huge but like i said, he was very gentle and we just took things really slow. He's cool, we have swapped emails since. Nothing gay though, cause he knows I am straight."




"Having survived the ordeal and returned home, my only regret is that I missed my meeting with Mr Bandabaloobi and didnt get to see any african animals like giraffes and lions and those little things that peek up really quick and look around and then pop back down really quick. They are really cool. They are like those little dogs that live on the prairie. Cant remember what those ones are called either but they look a little bit like otters. They dont live in water like otters though, they live on the prairies. No, I dont know what a prairie is."

Friday, November 28, 2008

My name is Kurtis


Hello, my name is Kurtis and I like to tell people that I am mentally capable of playing Halo. I'm really good at Halo. One day I will marry the people that make Halo. When I'm not thinking about Halo I do other fun stuff. Some fun things I like to do is eating all my food/soda, not showering, thinking about Halo(I know I already said this but I love it soooo much!), and pretending to take a half hour nap in my bedroom with lube.

This is a picture of my good buddy Devin. When he's not watching I sneak onto his laptop and close his web browser.

I'm also bi and Nolan's secret boyfriend. Damn I'm ugly.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Related to an Arachnoid

This is Devin. Nolan confessed to me the other day that he was going to write this hilariously dirty post on being James Bond's body guard until he decided it was immature. It's really too bad since lately we've been lacking in Nolan posts.
Now lets move on. Today I self taught myself a little bit of photoshop. After three hours I recreated the Sistine Chapel Ceiling with nothing but the paint tool but unfortunately I was using a PC and it decided to crash and corrupt the file. So instead I salvaged this picture of my cousin from the archives. His name is Grant but he has attained the nickname of Grantula. I don't really know how he became this way. Although he does have a brother named Stinkin(Lincoln) so it's not too far of a stretch.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

A Simile and Metaphor Writing Exercise

This is an excerpt from Kimber's creative writing class notes. This is an accurate example of the kind of notes I take in class; it would be funny if it weren't sad that I was learing so little.

My life story in S&M. Ha ha. I was born looking like a tiny raisin with angry fists attached. My childhood was as dull as a lead pencil after a visit to the testing center, but as imaginative as a Dr. Seuss story about inedible food. I really hate this class. Hate it like a recovering sex addict hates girls in short skirts and guys in clingy cashmere sweaters. Also, I’m still shakey from my last class and the presentation I did in it. I hate everything. I probably shouldn’t have worn heels today; it’s only adding to the distemperment. Additionally, my paycheck hasn’t cleared yet at the bank, and I really need it to. I don’t think I’ve ever actually finished one of these writing exercises. So, in the interest of tradition, I will now zone out.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Random Pictures!!

Feast your pupils upon this!! This is Devin
This is a picture Nolan drew. I thought that since I put up some of my pictures we should see some of his masterwork as well (it's the cityfolk talking, not the spider).

This is a girl. I think she's my sister.
UPDATE: She is my sister. Her name is Jenaye. But we all call her naynay.

This is a potato

Thursday, November 20, 2008

salmon patties taste awesome

Nolan here with an important announcement

Due to a constant cursing of immanent rapeage from ferret. I have decided to stop running from my fate and join the army. the event will happen in the near future after society sticks their penis up my butt with no remorse.

Hopefully after a few months I'll get to meet James Bond and work by his side as a personal body guard. Some may ask "what does personal body guard do for bond? The answer is simple: make sure all women that offer to sleep with him contain no deadly weapons hidden in their cleavage. I will also have to observe Bond during his orgy and make sure his "partner" does not shift to a hazardous position like the pile driver, or whatever. If his partner persists to do such a thing I will be forced to shoot her in the head, afterwards I will take responsibility for my actions and "relieve" Bond with my bare hands.

okay this is not funny anymore. it never was funny I am not laughing at all

As Per Your Request

Kimber gleefully obliges.

Recent polls show that the Time to Wipe the Crack readership really, really wants to see more random pictures. Since we only write to please, I thought I'd post some.

The first is a picture of what food will look like in the future, or what it looks like after two days of congealing in a Chinese take-out box in my miniscule refridgerator.



The second is a photograph of Devin looking very heroic.



The third, and final, picture is a warning sign posted on the side of a van. It's delightfully nonsensical.



On a side note, I'd like to officially announce that I'm very excited about next semester's classes. I think that's mostly because I don't have to do any work for them right now, so I have all the romance of learning without any of the stress, sweat, or tears.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Some Stuff

Kimber reports.

Since we haven't written in a while, I thought I'd present a menagerie of entertaining things, so as to be sure to meet everyone's tastes. Rumor has it our regular readership is up to three. On a side note, the thermostat in the classroom I'm writing this in is way off, so it's eighty-five degrees in here, and the heaters are still blowing full force. Stupid building management people, they must have turned cannibal and will throw some potatoes in the classroom any minute to roast along with all of the students.

The first selection is from an article on fatherhood. I just thought it was funny, and very true.

"Since Kate’s birth, I categorize all things in life into two categories: Things That Can Kill the Baby and Things That Cannot Kill the Baby. Open jug of bleach? Category one. Angry boss? Category two. By dealing with ultimate peril, you are much more calm and collected about all the other nonsense."

The second selection is an excerpt from my class notes for creative writing. The assignment was to write down fifteen events that might happen in a story. I think the purpose of this was to better understand the concept of plot points, but I'm not sure, as I don't really pay attention in classes where I can see heat waves coming off my desk.

1. Hitler buys a fabulous new pair of shoes.

2. Winston Churchill gets jealous of those shoes and commissions a pair of his own, even more fabulous shoes.

3. Because of Hitler’s anti-Semitism, all of the Jewish shoemakers have left Germany and immigrated to England, where they make still more fabulous shoes for Churchill.

4. Paris, the fashion capital, declares Churchill’s shoes to be the most fabulous.

5. Hitler gets mad and invades, threatening their supply of wine and cheese.

6. The French give up, but still insist that Churchill’s shoes are better.

7. Hitler gets madder and rounds up all the Jews to get revenge on them for making fabulous shoes for Churchill and not him.

8. Churchill starts drinking because of his depression caused by the genocide of the best shoe makers.

9. Hitler starts dating Eva Braun, as she has a generous shoe collection, and surprisingly large feet.

10. Meanwhile, FDR is feeling left out, as shoes are not his forte because of the whole crippled-by-polio thing.

11. Once Hitler agreed to facilitate the trade of Italian leather to Japan for their shoes, the Japanese agreed to bomb Pearl Harbor; the main port for pacific shoe shipments, and thus ensure that the US would have only drab, domestic footwear.

12. FDR felt this was a direct goading about his inability to properly showcase any kind of shoes at all, much less deftly crafted designer heels. So he gave a speech to congress and then proceeded to bomb the hell out of Germany and Japan.

13. Germany was doing well in the war until Hitler diverted an increasing number of resources to developing the “ubershoe”. The best strategic minds were taken off of troop movements and devoted to arch support. Sadly, this caused Germany’s downfall, and the beloved Fuhrer’s “ubershoe” was burned with his body in order to keep the allies from ever knowing its glory. In recent years some vague plans have been found, but no one has yet been able to reconstruct what the “ubershoe” might have looked like.

14. The US then turned its attention on Japan. The Manhattan project had really been the secret task of making New York the new fashion capital of the world, but while calculating the perfect ratio of leg length to lipstick color the atomic bomb was inadvertently discovered (why do you think they call them blonde bombshells?). After much deliberation, the US decided to use the bomb on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, the two main shoe producing cities of Japan. Devastated by the loss of their most fashionable footwear, the Japanese surrendered, as they knew there was no greater shame than wearing second-rate shoes.

15. Recognizing that he couldn’t lead the US as the new world shoe superpower, FDR faked his own death, and Truman, who had the marvelously thin ankles necessary to showcase truly beautiful footwear, became president and lead the nation into the great unknown, kicking his heels all the way.

The third item of interest today is a picture of Nolan next to himself in an alternate universe. For the director's edition of the Donnie Darko DVD, a contest was held to find out who the number one fan was. The winner was a guy who looks and acts a lot like Nolan. A lot a lot. Anyone who knows Nolan should check out the DVD and watch the extra features. It's scary.



The fourth, and final, selection is another creative writing exercise. We were to write a story that could be contained within a paragraph.

As the sun rose over the castle, it revealed a horrible scene in the highest tower. The floor was littered with smashed vases, scattered jewelry, torn bed sheets, and a murdered frog. In the middle of it all stood the princess, screaming “you lied!”

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Nolan knows how to travel through time

This is Devin and the title is not lying. Watch this video for proof.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

I'm so abused (sexually)

This is Nolan

It's been a while since I've written in this blog. The reason being is that I've been having a not so secret affair with deviant art, where people actually look at and comment my work. I haven't given them my name, after all thanks to Kimber and Devin, I am now on the ten most wanted list. Because of these two my sexual offenses are no longer secret. For example: the last clip was supposed to be a personal porno where I show my bare naked chest for my OWN pleasure. (i'm just too sexy, the only thing that turns me on is myself) But NOOOO, Devin and Kimber want a piece of my sexyness, and when I say NOOOOO, They post it online out of spite and everyone knows I'm a child molester... I mean THINKS IM A CHILD MOLESTER, THINKS!

Anyway, we've been working on pornographic choose your own adventure stories, The character's name is Jack Off Good. Because of my artistic vision Jack Off Good is not a human, but a giant penis that makes out with hot chicks. I think we should make it in an adult swim cartoon. It would be awesome. HUZZAH

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Nolan portrays his manliness

This is Devin. Here's some footage Nolan filmed a long time ago when we still lived in Pleasant Grove. Watch it quickly because Nolan could delete it without any warning. He does things like that.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Halloween is upon us

Devin speaking.

Today is Halloween and the tradition is that you give me all your candy. This is so I can inspect it for poisonous substances that could kill or permanently screw your brain up forever. So if you want to be safe then send me an email and I'll respond with my address. This email method is to prevent porno companies from spotting my address online and sending me free junk. This is also to prevent stalkers from hunting me down and stealing my virginity while I'm asleep. My email is cactuswren75@gmail.com in case you're stupid and can't just click on my profile.

Also just in case you didn't psychically figure it out, this post is the special limited edition halloween post that was supposed to blow out your mind. Unfortunately, like usual I have nothing to really write about. I've noticed that lately most of our writing starts with no idea and ends with no idea. It all kind of has a pointless feel to it. Except Halloween isn't pointless, Halloween is awesome. It's the only holiday where you can dress up and get tons of free crappy candy. And if your too old then you still have options: you can take your younger sibling, your nephew/niece, or even your own child. In fact if you have a kid then you're kind of obligated. Every kid should get the chance to trick or treat.

I hope you all have a fun, safe halloween. I'm serious. Don't get a razor in your apple.


P.S. If you wanted something to look at then click here check out some crazy good pumpkin carvings.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

A humble suggestion for improving college

This is Devin. If you have been following our posts then you already know I go to a university called UVU. If you haven't been following that's ok but keep reading.

So the other day i was strolling nonchalantly down the butt-ridden halls of said UVU and I spotted a suggestion box for the Student Government. Immediately this inspired some serious suggestions for UVU that would definitely improve everyone's overall college experience. Here is the first suggestion that I wrote. Take it seriously and maybe one day it could happen.






By the way right now we are holding a poll on what you want to be posted. Whatever gets the most votes will actually be posted. And yes I know this can be rigged. So what.

Monday, October 27, 2008

I Forgot

This is Kimber

I'm sitting on campus waiting for the bus, and I thought I'd write a blog really fast. I had something funny to write about; it would have been purely for entertainment purposes, but I completely forgot what it was I was going to say.

So consider this the blog equivalent of the kid who raises their hand in class, and then, when called on, says "I forgot".

Friday, October 24, 2008

Trapped!

My name is Renshaw. Devin Renshaw.
Today I found On Demand an old Bond film in the seventies that had Shawn Connery in it. The into was pretty good up until someone else in the room said they wanted to watch something else. So instead I discovered "Starsky and Hutch" on AMC and we watched Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, and Snoop Dog jump around and fight crime. It was intense.

So after watching "Starsky and Hutch" and part of "Ocean's Eleven" I left work and came home to my grandparents house where I am presently living. I came home to an expected party that my cousin Lisa was putting on for some friends of hers. What I didn't expect was how boring and clickish the party was going to be. Not to say that it was boring for everyone else. The only people that weren't having fun were Nolan, Grant(my cousin), and myself. So after about an hour or two of being shunned by all the BYU faggots and unsuccessfully convincing Nolan to leave with me, I retreated to my room. Then I proceeded to write this post. On a side note here is another drawing of mine.

What Kind of Sick Studies Does BYU Perform?

Kimber writes.

The BYU website has a series of photos that scroll through, which are meant to impress you with how much progress the University is making in research in particular fields. The following is a picture meant to be representative of one of those studies.



This poor kid. Just think how traumatized and screwed up she'll be for the rest of her life, just so that some graduate student could have a thesis to hand in. That's all I really wanted to say. I found a funny picture, I shared it with you. Enjoy.

By the way, I don't dislike BYU, I just think their choice in pictures was a little strange.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

What I Did This Weekend

This is Kimber.

This weekend was my little sister's birthday party. She's a gymnast, so she has very fit, athletic, energetic friends. They require a lot of entertainment, so we usually make a movie with them; something that requires a lot of work. Here is this year's result.



Oh yeah, I'm probably going to have to pull an all nighter tonight, because I skipped writing a very important paper in order to edit this movie. Also, I know it's not perfect, but when you have a dozen girls screaming at you, it's very hard to keep it together enough to make a coherant movie. Just enjoy it for what it is. And if you get the tribute to the baptism scene from The Godfather, I'll make you cookies.

Dead Winter Blues

This is Devin the great.
Lately the writers of this blog have had trouble shoveling out post material for this blog. I actually cannot speak for Kimber since the reason she doesn't post very often is probably because of her lack of internet. Also I'm not sure about Nolan either since the only proof I have of his negligence is that one: he is negligent on his writing posts and two: he said, "No" today when I asked him to post today and three: he is obsessed with Deviantart. I don't think the last one really counted but that's what he usually does on the computer instead of posting so I decided to throw it in. Honestly the only person I can speak for is myself.
The reason I am posting this post is because lately nobody has really been posting very often as of lately. And I wanted to attempt to provide a small happy post for our readers to hold them over until more writers begin posting again. So here it is. Here's a comic that I drew. Yay.



Sorry but I really did't have much to say except that the Haunted Forest in American Fork is slightly different this year and is thus more awesome. Although Psycho Manor is just the same. Too short but still sweet. If you live in the Provo, Utah area you should definitely check it out.

Monday, October 20, 2008

McButtnuggets

So this is Devin. I really have nothing to blog about. So instead I'll just put up a picture from my sketchbook moleskine. This is Kimber's favorite picture in my moleskine. It ain't too shabby. So feast your eyes upon this picture. It's all I have.

On another note, um, Grant and Karina keep reading our blog. Please.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Field Trip

A post by Kimber. You know, the cool one.

The problem with college is that there are hardly any field trips. Since we all are getting kind of fed up with college, we decided to organize our own field trip to relieve the tension. It worked, kind of. I forgot that I had a big project due the next day, so for me the field trip made my stress worse, but I think everyone else enjoyed it. Just because I've had to do this all week in my creative writing class, I'm going to write about it in a series of haikus.

Wondrous household goods
Sofas and Swedish meatballs
Land of Ikea

Lost in the city
We fight over where to park
And decide it sucks.

Blood on the sidewalk
forms a trail to some
bushes. No dead body, though.

A hobo wants change
We have none to give, he shouts
You F***ing N*ggers

A German deli
Swiss cheese pickle sandwiches
Bittle flips me off

(Bittle is Nolan and Devin's four year old brother. He didn't really know what he was doing)

Nightmare on 13th;
truly a horrifying
place, but way too packed.

Independent film,
pink bathrooms, free water cups,
theatre to ourselves

Skin-walkers and beasts,
a drive through the canyon. Please
check my place for ghosts.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

A Denouncement

I am writing this post during Biology Class. See for yourself.


This is Devin. While we're on the subject of Biology let me get to the point of this post. The point is that School Sucks. Play is so much better. There's so many advantages to not going to school that society never teaches you. Stress is a good example of this. School does nothing but give you stress. Homework, tests, and fagget teachers(in my opinion all teachers are faggets)are all products of Hell and Satan and give you stress. Try and denounce me. Yeah thats what I thought. When was the last time you had homework, tests or fagget teachers that you actually liked? Never. Atleast thats how it is with me.
On the other side Play is awesome. It relieves stress, it makes you happy, and it provides something to do when you're not at school. So if nobody went to school then we could all be happy forever. Eat that webster.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Back by popular demand

Devins my name and being sexy's my game. Our fanbase requested a repost of the 50th blog material and I had to obey. This is the new updated version to "Boom" by Flight of the Choncords. Edited in like one minute flat. Sorry Nolan but this is funny and you know it.



Translate this Kimber, jvqqxyx bg ytl ten nspw.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Puzzle Time

It's Kimber again. I am angry at everthing in general, but at one thing in specific. Here's a fun game you can do to find out what the root of all evil is. First, figure out what the first quote says. Each letter corresponds to one letter in the alphabet. there isn't a pattern for how the letters relate to each other. After you've figured out the first quote, you can then decipher the second one, which holds a great cosmic truth which is the source of much frustration for me. Have fun.

muxe lvs’kx be ctbq, t yvvn akbxen mbqq wx rklbey rv wtbq lvs vsr. T wxgr akbxen mbqq wx be rux ixqq exjr rv lvs gtlbey, ‘Ntpe, rutr mtg ase’.

Itktqxx bg t rskn wktbe.

An Oddity

The previous post, as well as this one, was written by Kimber, Girl of Destiny.

As you all know, I got a new computer on Sunday. One which rocks. However, I noticed something weird about it. By Wednesday I had worn a little mark into the space bar. None of the other keys have worn down, but the space bar has a little polished spot in it where my thumb keeps hitting it. I imagine that it has a lot to do with the fact that, for the most part, the other keys are pressed down, whereas the space bar is swiped at, but still, that's a lot of space bar usage.

P.S. I'd like to take this opportunity to say that our 50th blog had a funny video on it, but Nolan took that down because he's a butt. He'll probably take this down too. He's a lot like oppressive governments in the fact that he doesn't like anything bad to be said about him ever.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

I'm Getting a Piece of Paper That Says I'm Smart

After dropping some classes and rearranging my life and deciding to get only one major, I'm going to graduate in April. April, bitches, April. Suck on that.

By the way, do you always capitalize the month? I'm not sure, since it seems like a proper noun, but I don't really know. Anywho, back to the main subject.

The only problem is that I'm not sure what to do after I graduate. All I know is that I'm ready to breathe the sweet air of freedom. I imagine that an internship would be the smart thing to do, but I don't really have the energy yet to look for one. Maybe at the end of the month. I'd like to travel, but I don't really think I'm going to have the money to do that. It'd be really cool to be able to start working right away, but as I want to be a screenwriter, that's kind of hard to do, especially if one has a resume as short as mine.

What's probably going to happen, is that I end up working my crappy-just-to-get-by-job for the next year, and waste my life away until I have another flash of motivation, which, according to the pattern so far, won't happen again for another seven years.

Still, it's nice to think that my life might take off from this point on. Or that I'd at least be doing something with it. At the end of the day, though, I'm just happy that I'll be done with all this by April.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Bleagh!


Ung. Here is something. Look upon it and laugh since this is a picture of my Graphic Novel teacher that is about to rape an unlucky student. That's all for now. My name is Devin and all I ever do is post pictures. Screw writing.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Technology is Now My Friend, but My Fellow Students Aren't

This is Kimber. I have a new computer. Not new as in it was going to be thrown away so my dad gave it to me, new as in brand spanking new with no previous owner. New as in I'm the first one to touch it. New as in the newest, most expensive piece of technological equipment I've ever owned (that's pretty sad, considering it's a $450 laptop). I would now like everyone to stand up and do a happy dance with me. Go on, now, nobody's looking, and this is a joyous, joyous day.

The best part about my new computer is its size. Go to a bookstore or library, go into the history section, and pick up any medium-sized paperback. What you are holding is both heavier and larger than my new computer. Some people think it might be hard to type on such a small thing, but I have tiny hands. Some people think that it might be easy to lose, but I'm OCD. Some people may think it's a pathetic excuse for a computer, but I think it's adorable and perfectly capable of everything I need it to do. The only trouble is that the shift key is oddly placed, but I have faith I'll overcome that with enough practice.

What this means for you, dear reader, is lots more blogs from your favorite writer: yours truly. I can now blog in class while I'm pretending to take notes. I can now carry my computer everywhere with me and so blog whenever the impulse takes me. I can now compete with Devin's awesome little Mac. Actually, I can't; Macs are still better, but they're a hell of a lot more expensive.

Now that I've fully exhausted a topic in which only I had interest in the first place, we'll move on.

I hate group projects. Hate them. I'm in college, I think I've moved past the "make a presentation with a bunch of people you have nothing in common with other than the fact that you all needed this class for graduation" stage. I'm an adult, come on. This doesn't deter any of my teachers though, they still keep assigning group projects like they're going out of style (they are).

My latest frustration with this front is my British Literary History class which has us doing presentations on Spenser's Faerie Queen. The girls in my group are nice, but they're putting way too much work into it. I knew that this was going to be an arduous process at best, so I practically finished the presentation myself before we even met to talk about it. This didn't help though; we still spent an hour and a half talking about what the different characters represent and how that works into the overall allegory, even though Spenser himself clearly states what everything is supposed to mean at the beginning of the story.

To add insult to injury, a mentally handicapped girl came up to us and started telling us all about how much she loved the movie Titanic, and how much she hated the movie High School Musical. My group mates smiled at her, then ditched me, leaving me along to agree that Titanic was a magical movie one should never have to outgrow.

In short, I hate every single stupid person in my class except the professor, who is pretty smart, and even she gets a little hate for making us work in groups. Also, I'm supposed to go to Lisa's house to watch Titanic on Friday. We're going to make macaroni pictures afterward.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Boo-yah

This is Devin. I say boo-yah in the most unexciting way imaginable. As in, "Boo you suck" and "yah, I guess I could take the garbage out." So on that note lets get this post rolling.
Just so all you throngs upon throngs of readers know, Nolan and I both have Deviantfart accounts. Here is Nolans and here is mine. So just in case your interested you can click on those and check that out. In case you're not interested then here is a video that Kimber's been wanting to post for a while. Remember how Nolan and Kimber had that whole childish argument about Kimber and I having a non-existent relationship? Yeah so right after Kimber responded in a super intelligent manner Nolan called her up and left his own super intelligent message on her phone. So we took his message and imposed it over Nolan picking his nose.


Sorry kimber I know you wanted to write the post to this video but it wasn't getting done and I was running out of blog material. Sorry to our fanbase(Jerret) for not posting in a while. I think we've all been either too lazy or too busy.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Adventure time

I'm not Kimber and I'm not Nolan. Who could I be? I have no idea. You tell me. That almost rhymed.

So every monday night Nolan, Kimber, Jerret, me and this other guy named Jacob get together for a thing we like to call Nerd Night. Last time we held Nerd Night, we went on a walk through downtown Provo in order to campaign our blog through vandalism(Kimber wrote on some crap wooden rail with a sharpie). While Jarret, Nolan and I were having fun walking around, Kimber and Jacob decided to ditch us. So instead of trying to find our way back to Kimber's apartment, we instead went on a little exploring trip. Our discoveries included(but are not limited to) a buttload of stores that close after nine 'o' clock, a hobo(not in video), juice n' java, and some dirty confessions from Nolan and Jarret(yes, on the video). I'm just lucky they didn't rape me. Enjoy the video. It chronicles our many wayward endeavors.

By the way I love the office. This vid is not 'like' the office but lamer, its like the office only this is lame.

At the end of the video it says "Ah to be an Asian love slave" and "cool like 'hand luke'". These are just some of the weird messages written along with our blog campaign(Kimber did all the campaigning).

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Here's a contest for you!

ok Kimber if I NOLAN am such a loser, I challenge you to a dating contest since you say i suck at relations.

Starting now, whoever gets more dates with different people by the end of the month, wins! My prize will be that you have to streak naked through town,and publish a picture of the incident on our blog.

You write a comment and tell me what your prize is if you win.

If you refuse the challenge, and just bitch like you usually do, and say things like: Well that prove nothing! Your so stupid, you suck at writing!

Then i will write a blog about how you chickened out because you were afraid of losing and admiting your sloppy gross Love for Devin.

Nolan's Unbridled Jealousy

Though Nolan makes a good case for Devin's and my alleged relationship, I am more than able to refute his accusations. Furthermore, I can prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that Nolan is a jealous, lonely little man who only wishes he got along as well with Amber, his (girl)friend, as Devin and I do as regular friends. Eat your heart out law-school junkies, Kimber is about to get judicial on Nolan's ass.

"They always have overly friendly conversations."

Devin and I have friendly conversations because we understand social cues and norms. We have similar interests, and on any given day neither of us smell too badly, so we can make it a full twelve minutes before calling each other a "butt". This is how normal friendships work, Nolan. Take notes.

"They always plan and talk mainly with each other, even though other friends are around like me, robot, or ferret."

A bit of explanation for our non-us readers: robot and ferret are our Nerd Night compadres. Nerd Night is a very sophisticated weekly event with the most intelligent of activities and only the most refined conversations. Onward.

We talk mainly with each other on the subjects only Devin and I are interested in. We've also ignored each other to talk to Robot or Ferret when we didn't have a mutual interest in the subject. Nolan really doesn't come to Nerd Night that often because he's busy not dating Amber, so what he doesn't realize is that the four of us usually spend Nerd Night talking about him and his weird red hair. This is a little awkward for Devin, who has the same red hair, but we compensate by letting him borrow The Office DVDs.

"When kimber is alone she always whispers the name: Devin. (I know! I hid a camera in kimber's room. Don't ask me why, I won't tell you)."

I found that camera in my room. I cut out the shots of me undressing and put in a shot of Nancy Pelosi undressing. I got it off the internet at a political fetish site. The lady had to do something to earn her campaign money. What worries me is that Nolan hasn't said anything about it, but I'm pretty sure he's been drooling over that footage for a month. Maybe he's into that sort of thing. I hope Amber knows.
As to whispering the name Devin, I've been trying to swear less recently, so I've been replacing "damn it" with "Devin". Saying Devin's name also helps me to blame him for everything that goes wrong in my life, which makes me feel better. I find spreading blame around to be a very effective coping skill.

"Devin has a secret stash of kimber pictures under his bed, (that I don't know about)."

Of course Nolan doesn't know about Devin's box of pictures of me, because he's too busy going through his box of Nancy Pelosi pictures. I think there could possibly be some Hillary Clinton ones thrown in there too. Additionally, Amber might have snuck in a few pictures of herself, but I think Nolan used those up that time he had too much fiber and ran out of toilet paper. What Nolan also doesn't know is that the pictures of me are all copies of the same picture, and on the back of that same picture is my film acting resume (first film credit: young girl in The 4th Witness. Sweet Success!). Devin has these because he is my agent and has been working hard for the last nine and a half years to get me my Oscar-winning role. He hasn't quite done it yet, but I'm sure he will. He has gotten me a few roles in some pornos, but I've had to turn those down because of my extreme nudophobia. (This isn't true, I actually have no shame and have shocked my doctor by being butt naked and fully prepared for a physical (most girls apparently hem and haw about lifting their shirt a little so the doctor can listen to their breathing with that cool doctor thingy) the truth is that I wanted more money, and the porno people wanted bigger breasts. It just didn't work out.)

"Devin always allows Kimber to color his works of art even though she sucks at coloring; and usually ruins his art."

This is just a blatant lie. I am awesome at coloring. Sometimes my work has been slightly sub-par because some of my colored pencils suck, but overall I think I'm very good at coloring. Really, it's the only aspect of art I have any real interest in. Nolan just wishes he had my wicked sweet coloring skills. On a side note, I couldn't really work in a dig about Amber in this retort, so I'll just say [in a sing-song, playground voice] "Nolan and Amber, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage!"

"Devin always compliments kimber to the Nth degree. He said that she was a better colorer than Amber, This is actually very untrue, Kimber leaves a bunch of white marks when using colored pencil. Amber does not."

I've addressed Nolan's wildly untrue accusations about my coloring skills in my previous statement. As to Devin complimenting me, I'll admit that our friendship is not based solely on insults, but they do comprise at least 60%. For evidence, please see the blog post for September 11, 2008, titled "I thought about deleting The Ghetto Film Contest but I want it to act as a monument to laziness". Additionally, I am a much better colorist than Amber, though I'll admit that she is much better at stalking than I am.

"Well I'm done telling the TRUTH for now, but in the future expect posts on a future wedding."

I think I've satisfactorily shown that the "truth" Nolan is telling is little more than the twisted workings of a deranged mind. I do, however, believe that there will be news of a wedding soon. I've heard Amber's going to propose.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Devin + Kimber= A strange and dangerous relationship.

This is a Nolan;

Today I will talk about what a Nolan usually doesn't talk much about. Kimber's and Devin's love relationship that will never be. I know the future viewers of this blog might deny the facts that have pointed to this majestic awkward possibility; (sense my future viewers will probably ONLY be Devin or/and Kimber). However the evidence remains to be disputed:

They always have overly friendly conversations.

They always plan and talk mainly with each other, even though other friends are around like me, robot, or ferret.

When kimber is alone she always whispers the name: Devin. (I know! I hid a camera in kimber's room. Don't ask me why, I won't tell you).

Devin has a secret stash of kimber pictures under his bed, (that I don't know about).

Devin always allows Kimber to color his works of art even though she sucks at coloring; and usually ruins his art.

Devin always compliments kimber to the Nth degree. He said that she was a better colorer than Amber, This is actually very untrue, Kimber leaves a bunch of white marks when using colored pencil. Amber does not.

Well I'm done telling the TRUTH for now, but in the future expect posts on a future wedding.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Nolan and Devin go on an adventure in the park.

Yes, Nolan and I went to the park to film a music video to a song that we don't have the rights to. It was great fun except for the fact that Nolan was being a homebody the whole time and eventually we didn't get enough footage for our video, so that sucks and is awesome at the same time. Stay attentive though since one day we will finish that music vid and maybe post it up here if we feel like it. But other than that experience I have nothing to tell all you dear readers. I do have something to show though, since this is a Show and Tell blog(whatever that means, I just made it up). Its me and Nolan voyeuring in on some unlucky couple and we have a nice conversation in the background. Turn up the sound and I hope you like.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Technology Actually Makes it Harder to Pick Out the Crazy People

I was walking through campus today, and I saw a crazy man. Mind you, it took me three minutes to identify him as such, which is disturbing, because he was talking to himself the whole time. This wasn't distracted muttering (of which I'm often guilty), this was heated argument with self. Even more surprising is that it was on the BYU campus, which is a religious school full of clean-cut over-achievers whose only goals are to get a spouse and a degree, in that order. We don't get a lot of crazies at BYU, at least not the kind that talk to themselves.

The main point of this anecdote is not that I saw a crazy man--I see that every time I visit Nolan--but that because of technology, I didn't know he was a crazy man. The problem was that the guy was wearing headphones, so I thought maybe he had an attachment for his cell phone, or something, but then I realized that they were just headphones, nothing more. There was no microphone involved. He really was talking to himself, but I'd almost let it go by as a cell phone conversation.

I hope, dear reader, that you realize the devastating implications this has for our society. We will no longer be able to differentiate between those that are sound of mind and those that are lacking any semblance of reason. Maybe the other people talking to themselves have really just been way, way ahead of the trends and started buying blue tooths (blue teeth?) back in 1968. Maybe that dude taking a dump on your lawn is really just downloading unnecessary files. Maybe the bag lady on the corner is really just holding an ever increasing collection of thumb drives and portable hard drives that have her Pulitzer prize winning rants saved on them. Maybe that homeless guy on the corner asking you for change really needs it to melt down and create a new conductor for his time machine. That sounds like something from Back to the Future. Really though, wasn't Back to the Future the first warning of this happening? Doc spends the entire movie running around with a high schooler looking for garbage to feed his car and himself. Sounds like a standard crazy hobo to me.

There's only one solution for this, and we all know what it is. We need to round up all the nutters and interrogate them to find out what the future of technology is. That way we can beat the Russians to the moon.

Here's a picture.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

AMBER!!!!

This is Kimber. Here is the wonderful letter I wrote for Nolan to give to his girlfriend Amber, because he wanted to break up with her but had a hard time doing it. I thought it was a work of art, but apparently Nolan wanted to do the "mature" thing and break up with her face to face, so we still have the letter.


By the way, I don't think breaking up with her face to face really worked, because she still hangs out with him, brings him food, and stands way too close to him when they're talking. Good luck getting out of that, Nolan.

I don't really have much else to say, except that I still have a lot of homework to do and a couple of reports to write for my work. Man, I'm going to be up all night.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

A post about monsters and psychology

Apologies for postponing posting the note to Amber. I was seriously going to do it tonight. Nolan decided to invite her over though and that destroyed all my plans(she's still here too). No joke: I was scanning her envelope to the note into the computer when she strutted through the door, wouldn't leave and invited her friend Holly over. Then Nolan went to bed and left me to be the bad host. I'm stuck with two girls who are boring as hell and won't go home. They think that we're going to do something "fun". Well. Amber is coloring a picture I drew. I don't think she is as good as Kimber but she's still decent. Here it is.


Here is also another page from my notes. This time it's from Psychology. Please click.


P.S. I promise I will get the amber post up soon. Wait we haven't even told you about Amber and Nolan yet. You have no idea what I'm talking about what I mention "the note to Amber" and other such drivel. He he he. Your in for something awesome. Stay tuned.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

I need a digital camera

This is Devin again. Apparently Kimber was really hurt over the last post that I posted. Sorry Kimber.

Anyways, I need a camera. If anyone wants to donate then please do it. I just want a way to post some art online and having a camera is the easiest and sleaziest way to do it. Eventually I'll save up and buy one myself. Or I could ask for one as a birthday/christmas present. And just so everyone knows, Kimber did offer me a kinda crappy little camera to hold me over until I upgrade. I may take her up on that.

So I'm not going to The John Whites concert. Because Nolan is a tikey baby and needs to get up at five tomorrow, and I don't want to go alone with Amber. She's dangerous. So it's just me and even though I know full well how much of a loser bum I am I don't want everyone else to know too. That's why I'm staying home.

Here's another page from my notes. This one is also from Graphic Novel class and is also making fun of butt teacher. Click to behold it's full glory.

Thanks for the Vote of Confidence

Wow guys, I feel super great about myself now. Thank you. Thanks a lot.

This is Kimber, by the way.

I thought about deleting The Ghetto Film Contest but I want it to act as a monument to laziness

It's true. I just about deleted it. I still might. If you want to read the six posts that exist on that blog then you better do it fast. (read the last posts on it here and here)

True story:
The Ghetto Film Contest was started because Kendy and Butt Brother both were quitters and didn't want to help me make a movie. So I created the Ghetto Film Contest on a whim (that Kimber originally had) to see if there was a cool indie film scene in Provo just waiting to happen. Then I gave up too since it was obvious that The Ghetto Film Contest was never going to happen.

This is why it's a lasting monument to laziness.


The queer thing is that I think Kimber and Nolan are actually pretty good students when it comes to school (Kimber may deny this). They both do all their homework and expect grades. Although Kimber does sluff a lot. Kimber is also always planning her life around what her family wants her to do. I think she secretly likes them more than she lets on. So in short Kimber and Nolan do have a lot of stuff to do that they actually get done. Except for anything fun. Kimber and Nolan don't believe in fun. Especially if it's something super awesome like spending three hours making a movie. Then they definitely have zero time or motivation. I don't know about them but doing fun movies and art stuff is all I want to do in the future. If I have to work at a dead end job for the rest of my life I'll ask someone to kill me. Maybe I'll ask Kimber to poison my soup or run me over. She wouldn't do it though, she probably would postpone it until I decide that I actually want to live. Jerk.

If you can't tell I'm a little annoyed with life. I'm not sure why. I think it's just because I dug up the past right now and dredged up old feelings. Although Kimber hasn't changed since the Ghetto Film Contest. Neither has Nolan. They're both the same people they have always been. I think I need to make some new friends.

When Kimber and Nolan read this I'm sorry and you can write an angry post in response. It'll make you feel better.

So there is a band show this Thursday(tomorrow) and I am going along with my brother and his ex girlfriend Amber. Do not fret dear reader, we shall tell you all about Amber in another post specially dedicated to her. We'll probably write it tomorrow. Let's get back to the topic. The show this thursday is going to have a band playing called The John Whites. You may have heard of them if you live in the Provo/Orem area. They're pretty good. So go.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

"i can't afford anything nice"-so i buy shit you'll break anyway

This is Nolan

My father always had a stupid saying: It went "we can't buy anything nice, because you kids always break it!" This saying went for computers, cars, chairs, vases, and other things like that. when I was a kid I didn't realize that my father never bought anything nice anyway... everything he did buy was cheep and brittle, so obviously it would break without much effort.

when we got older the things we had still broke. My dad would say something lame like: "i hope you earn a lot of money when you move away cause you're an unskilled potential hazard!" I now realize that it wasn't me or my family but it was the termite filled couches about 100 years old in our living room. Or it was the out of date computers without the latest spam software installed. Or it was the 10 some odd cars in our driveway that all cost less then 600 bucks and broke down after a week of purchase. The car I have now moans and groans and refuses to go over 30 mph. I hate it, it's not my baby, I call it the f word when driving on the highway.

Luckily I've broken from my dads cheep chain. I bought a computer with my own money, i've had it about two or so months. It's Awesome with no flaws so far! I'm also going to buy a car soon to replace the clunker sleeping in my driveway. I'm looking forward to the day where i don't break down on the freeway anymore.

Soon I'll buy some new friends to replace my useless cheep old ones. sorry Kimber you were great for a while but i'm sure some kid at D.I. will love you tender.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Forks and Spoons

Do you believe that forks are evolved from spoons?

I believe that forks evolved as the natural balance to spoons. You see, knives can be counted as an implement, a weapon, and a toothpick, so they needed no one. However, spoons existed on their own, serving their purpose without really fulfilling their potential. Just as the sun has the moon, men have women, and tootsie pops have those chocolaty-chewy centers, the spoon needed the fork to come into it's own as an eating and cooking utensils. Forks co-evolved to fill this need.

I tried to write this in response to a random question that blogger posited me when I was trying to update the profile to include all three of us instead of just Devin, but apparently the answer can only be 400 characters long. So I just put it here instead. Enjoy.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Nothing

I really have nothing to say, I just thought I'd write something since Nolan and Devin are showing me up so badly. By the way, Nolan, we really only make fun of you because you don't write that often. You should actually be jealous of Devin for starting the blog and be trying to snatch away all the attention you can. That's how it'd be if my sisters and I were writing a blog together, though in our family the number of Christmas and birthday presents are directly proportional to the amount of attention one relieves. I usually win because I write letters to my relatives, while my sisters are usually busy with gym or their boyfriends or having an actual life, or something like that.

I do have some good news in that I have an interview tomorrow for a scriptwriting position at KBYU. That's pretty sweet, even if it is just the BYU station. However, the BYU television office is on the extreme outskirts of town, so I might not have an interview at all, but instead just have some creepy dude posing as a television executive so he can lure young women out to remote locations to rape and maul them, then feed him to his dogs. That scenario got out of hand there, and now I'm kind of scared. If no one hears from me after Tuesday night it means I've become the outlet to a sick fetish, and I'm now literally dog meat. Come save me. Please.

Since I have an interview tomorrow I probably shouldn't be up this late dinking around on a blog that nobody reads, but I didn't want to be outdone by Nolan and Devin. Stupid redheads with their stupid jobs that give them stupid money so they can buy stupid Macs. I take that back, Macs aren't stupid; they're awesome. Someday when I'm thirty-two I might have enough saved up to buy a mac for myself. Even then I'll most likely have to buy one second hand.

I've run out of things to say that aren't the standard complaints about school, work, and poverty in general. I could also complain about the fact that people keep getting married without telling me so when I invite them to something they reply with a "oh, I'm sorry, I have to whisper sweet nothings into my spouse's ear that night", to which I can only go "wha--?" I sound like an idiot, but they're the ones whispering sweet nothings.

Here's a joke:

What's the difference between an English actuary and a Sicilian actuary?
The English actuary can tell you how many people will die in a given year, the Sicilian actuary will tell you their names.

I was going to write out a more humorous one, but I got lazy all of a sudden.

Here's a picture:



It's my sister back when she was cute. Just kidding, she still is, just in a more grown up way.

And now, Goodnight.

I don't believe in my friends; (they think they're God)

This is Nolan

Ok number one, I have a few complaints on the last four blogs i viewed. If your gonna use my name as a joke make it a new and original one. old jokes are... well... OLD! Number two: Devin said the word period in the last post and it made me squirm. number three: Kimber and Devin suck! (I have no evidence for the last part but take my word for it)

Here's me bitching... Why the hell do you guys have more posts with my name as a tag then anything else? I hardly write in this Blog because I can hardly write! my baby brother Devin is the one who started this blog in the first place. He should be the center of attention, not me. I feel like Strong Bad in Homestar Runner.

Now i'm all out of energy thanks to you guys! I hope your happy! Next time I won't address these issues and leave you in the dust like I'm trying to do with my girlfriend. (Btw if you have any helpful tips to break up and make her think she's the bad guy post a comment below)....:)

Junk, God, and Wabbits

This is Devin once again. I find that recently I've been wanting to blog more and more since I got a new macbook. Sorry Kimber and Nolan if I'm taking all the limelight and not letting you have some. Oh wait, we don't have any readers so yeeeaaah.

That was weird. So right now I'm at work again. I'm working the shift where you stay up all night and watch movies or television shows the whole time. It's pretty slick. Except for the being constantly tired all night, this shift rocks my socks. It's also the shift where I bring homework to work and don't do it. That's because I like to stick it to the man. Eat that Psychology! And Biology! I can just look at the chapter summary and pass the class anyways! In your face!!

At about one 'o' clock one of my clients notoriously emerged from his bedroom with no pants on. Male genitalia is so nasty. It's like God just slapped us together real quick so he could spend more time on the female body. Although girls do have periods. I'm guessing Mrs. God didn't really help out in the whole human creation thing. She was probably having too much fun designing bunny rabbits or something. I figure Mrs. God made a deer then for whatever reason God got mad and created bears and mountain lions. That sounds about right. And after the human race proved themselves stupid beyond all hope, God created mosquitos. That's my creation theory. Take it or leave it.

I also believe that when Nolan was born the heavens above parted while beautiful sunlight shone down, and at this moment in time God gazed down with all his glory and said, "Oops".

This is a picture of a monster rabbit that really exists. When I first saw this picture I thought it was definitely fake. Then I found out that it was real. Cool story huh?


This is another picture of either the same bunny or another huge one.


This is a normal bunny wabbit.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Dale the manager

is a turd. Why is Dale such a turd you ask? Because he sucks at managing. He decides to put his name down for a shift then not show up. Then Johnny calls Devin since Dale doesn't give any forward notice to anyone that he's going to sluff work. Then Devin comes to work and has to waste his saturday away working with a bunch of disabled people. Yeah, that's right. I'm at work right now writing this post on my sexy new macbook. It's ok that I have to work, it's not like I was going to do anything anyways. But it's still saturday. Poor me.

Anyways, new macbook. That's what I thought. I ordered it online and the stork brought it yesterday. I'm already in love. I also ordered an ipod touch but that hasn't arrived yet. I did the school deal where you buy a discounted mac and get an ipod for free. Pretty sweet no? And yes I am going to school. I already said that in previous posts. Sheesh.

Sorry that there's no picture today. I'm too lazy to get one. But here is a link to an awesome video that Kimber, Nolan and I all made together for a 24 hour film marathon.

I want sushi. That sounds really good right now.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Wiener Graphic Novel Teacher

First I have to say that my Graphic Novel Class is as gay as a sorority party where only men are invited. This is Devin again. Kimber, me, and this kid named Jarret are all in this Graphic Novel class where the teacher sucks butt. Today he over analyzed a crappy little comic based on the Batman Begins movie and came up with the idea that Bruce Wayne was abused as a child by his father. Gay. I also have to say that my teacher is a closet child molester who likes to get done up the ass. He also makes us do 20 minute oral presentations (like Monica on Bill) on a comic of our choice. So that sucks. Oh wait, I'm not done. We also have to do two papers that are five to twenty pages. Waah! This is supposed to be a fun class with comic books! Not another gay English class! Why are we reading Understanding Comics! Here's another question, why aren't we reading anything by Will Eisner or Frank Miller? Aren't they comic legends? What the Fudge! Mother Ucker! Atleast we're reading something by Alan Moore. Here's a page from my notes the second day of Graphic Novel hell.



Take note of the picture in the upper left. That's my teacher. It says"I like to rape little children" and in class he actually told us to "close your eyes, just do it". He'th tho gay. Click on the picture to get a better view, just do it.