Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Amber has a blog

This is Devin.

And this is Amber. From the side.

She was the girl that was fated to be Nolan' lover and wife. Take a look at some past posts here and remind yourself why Nolans not dating/using her anymore. They had a good fling but it was fated to die eventually(try three weeks). Unfortunately, the ones who lost the most out of Nolan's and Amber's relationship was neither Nolan or Amber. It was the Nerd Night posse. Many a gossip was left ungossipped just because selfish Nolan was unsatisfied with his romance life. Just think of the activities that never happened: doorknob ditching Amber's house, writing more numerous breakup notes, making Amber sock puppets, and even charade's night where everyone does their best impression of Amber from the back; the list of potential fun is almost as long as Amber's phone directory. Way to go Nolan, did you ever know that your suffering inspired joy into your companions?

Anyways recently I discovered that Amber has a blog. It is called delicious baked goods and features life anecdotes of Amber herself. Don't tell her I know this. I don't want her reading this blog.
Who knows though, if you all go to her blog and read some crap then sooner or later she may re-enter our life(in spirit only hopefully) and then we can all plan Amber themed activities to do with our friends. To help Amber resurrect herself into our life I will provide to you Nolan's email address. Go to delicious baked goods and anonymously write fifty times in the comments section. I will thank you in advance.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

I like oranges

This is Devin. Today I found an orange in my fridge.

Yes, I peel with my teeth, but only at the beginning.

This is the epitome of evolution. Oh, and the orange is good too.


Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Alien Vs. Preda--I Mean, God

Kimber postulates.

Though I don’t have a deep, meaningful relationship with the Indiana Jones films, I do watch them often, and have an stunted crush on Indie (stunted because Harrison Ford looks eerily similar to my grandfather, so I feel as though I can’t completely let my feelings for Ford bloom lest they become too close to incestuous feelings for my grandpa. I don’t think I’m at risk for romantic incest, but having a crush on someone who looks like a forefather is kind of creepy). I therefore feel justified in completely agreeing with the makers of South Park that Indiana Jones was raped, repeatedly and brutally, by Steven Spielberg and George Lucas. The fourth film was an atrocity that should be blotted from the annals of cinematic history. I would support a ban on ever speaking of it, and even more strongly support punishment by death for showing it, except for in the inevitable trial against Lucas and Spielberg for physical, mental, and sexual abuse against a much-beloved-though-fictional-character.


You’ve been warned.

I think all my myriad of complaints about the fourth Indiana Jones movie can be boiled down into one outraged sentiment:
Aliens?! What the hell?
We all know that Indie deals with the supernatural on a regular basis, but seriously, we can’t have a respected archaeologist see aliens for himself; the implications for that are too grave. After the adventure Indie would have to try and publish a report about the existence of aliens, or, at the very least, would be lead to question whether humans actually came up with all of the stuff that he’s dedicated his life to studying, or if they were just copying the much cooler alien overlords.

Many people counter this complaint with the argument that the previous Indiana Jones movies have essentially confirmed the existence of a biblical, Judeo-Christian God, so why couldn’t they also confirm the existence of extra-terrestrials? My initial response is that Spielberg can only confirm one mystical being per film or film series. Indiana Jones is for the Judeo-Christian notion of God, E.T. is for aliens (friendly, adorable, occasionally drunk aliens), Jurassic Park is for dinosaurs, Goonies is for pirates and friendly retards, Jaws confirms the existence of sadistically intelligent sharks, and Hook reassures us that Peter Pan does exist and is not gay, because he may wear tights, but he has a sense of humor about it, also, he’s a very hairy man, he eventually bonked Wendy’s granddaughter, and Tinker Bell has a huge crush on him.

Occasionally Spielberg feels the need to reinforce a point, for example, Close Encounters of the Third Kind reaffirms the existence of aliens, though in a slightly more uncomfortable way than E.T. (I realize that Close Encounters came out before E.T.; however, most people are more familiar with E.T., and in the generations that weren’t present for the initial movie releases, most people have seen E.T. first, and more often, than Close Encounters of the Third Kind). He also reinforces that Tom Cruise is awesome no matter how pathetic he is in Minority Report and War of the Worlds. However, it is a serious clash of supernatural beings to include two or more in the same movie (or movie series). For example, we never find an awesome Tom Cruise in a Spielberg film with a friendly retard. That would be too much for the willing suspension of disbelief to handle.

In the Indiana Jones series, the dual existence of aliens, mystical rocks, and God is too much to deal with. If God exists, as Indie knows He does because of the PG-13 earning face-melting special effect from Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark, then how can aliens also exist in the world of Indiana Jones, as Indie knows they do because of the whole Cate-Blanchett’s-head-exploding-from-knowledge computer special effect in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? (By the way, the first effect was way cooler than the second; computers pixels can never compete with melting latex). I will not address the problems created by the mystical rocks and jungle demons found in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, merely because everyone knows that film doesn’t really count, and even if it does, the idea of relics and spirits can be acceptably fitted within the existence of God.

The idea of a dream team of supremely knowledgeable and powerful aliens conflicts with the idea of a supremely knowledgeable and powerful God. This conflict can’t be easily explained; in fact, only a long, convoluted explanation would really work, and such an explanation would require an entire film of its own (i.e. the aliens work for God, who doesn’t like brown people, which is why he spent most of his time and efforts on Caucasians, and left the much more tan South and Central Americans for the aliens to take care of. Also, perhaps the aliens are agents of Satan who perverted truth for the South and Central Americans, which is why the early explorers and conquerors were so easily able to take control of the Americas—God always wins against Satan, except in marketing). It could be argued that by replacing his emphasis on God with an emphasis on aliens, Spielberg has confirmed his ticket to hell, if he hasn’t already done so by directing part of the Twilight Zone movie. At the very least, this dual existence implies that Indiana Jones is some how the child of destiny, as he (and Miriam), are possibly the only people who have seen proof of both God and aliens.

A major fallacy in my argument is that people believe in God and aliens (even at the same time) in the real world, so why could they not both exist? I would answer that most people who believe in both at the same time do so with the idea that God created more than one world, so he still is more powerful than aliens. I think the aliens in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull could have handled anything the Ark of the Covenant had to throw at them. No matter what one believes, there has to be some semblance of hierarchy or order; the inclusion of aliens in a world of God doesn’t easily offer a clear system of who’s more powerful than who.

On a side note, I’ve always thought it was interesting that most films with a supernatural vibe, be it aliens, super-powers, or ghosts, rarely address where God has a place in it all. I have no idea why Nicole Kidman and her kids didn’t go to heaven in The Others, other than that God might be afraid of her forehead. Likewise, the closest thing to religion in Star Wars is The Force. This issue was lightly addressed in Contact, however it was more with a sense of “take everything for what it is”, rather than a sentiment of philosophical exploration.

However, the point of the Indiana Jones films is not philosophical exploration, but sheer awesomeness. Indie is only bogged down by the need to explain the existence of God and the existence of aliens. Spielberg and his team of writers should have seen this problem and fixed it before sinking millions of dollars into a movie that left the audience with the conviction that they had just witnessed the raping of Indiana Jones.

A Post Script:
The seriousness of the problems caused by including God and aliens in Indiana Jones is my primary concern; however, the most passion-invoking problem is the casting of Shia Labeouf as Indie’s son. Spielberg could have had Indie crap aliens who painted Baroque murals and then flew away in little dookie ships so long as he didn’t have him father that posturing idiot. Enough Labeouf.

Monday, January 12, 2009

I object too

This is Nolan I object! I need to be part of this argument too sense I'm clearly in the middle of it. *( please see the two previous posts). Kimber clearly raped me dry in that video, And Devin filmed it. I was forced against my will and I don't think I'll ever recover... :( also, I did not want to sing that theme song. (I was crying, not laughing).

If you viewers knew what these fags forced me to do you would cry for my sake, scream that something needed to be done, then watch pornos drink beers and do nothing.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

I object.

Kimber objects.

I object to the previous post. However, I'm not going to remove it like Nolan would have. I'll just say that we all do silly things, my silly thing is hanging out with Nolan and Devin. It's not fair that my silly thing gets put on the Internet. I'm genuinely embarrassed. I would post a picture of how furiously I'm blushing, but I think I've had enough Internet exposure for one day.

Nolan is insane

This is Devin. Lately I thought that I should get creative with the way I introduce myself on my posts like the way Kimber or Nolan does it. But then I realized that like school, it's not worth the effort. So from now on you will probably just get "This is Devin" on all my posts. So put up with it even if you most likely don't care.
Recently Kimber, Nolan, Jerret, Jacob, Grant, and I attempted to film a Doctor Who movie starring Nolan. It didn't work out due to a non-existent script and a giggly crew. But nonetheless we still got some funny(and compromising) footage from the event.
Here is an outtake of a nasty orgy on an undisclosed bed somewhere. Watch the video and notice how Kimber clearly jumps into the fray only after she had made a successful escape. Don't ask her why she did it though since she will deny that she was on a substance at that time. Also at the end of the video you get to see Nolan's re-write of the Doctor Who theme song.

Friday, January 9, 2009

The 100th Post!

Kimber marks an anniversary of sorts.

If you haven't guessed yet, I am in a class which I find to be boorish and uninformative, so our faithful readers (both of them) will now be receiving updates every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday between the hours of two and three o'clock.

Many people have noticed and made fun of the fact that I always have some kind of bag with me, usually a tote, and that I keep all sorts of odd items in there. However, people usually only notice this when I am able to save the day somehow with something that I've been packing around for years. So, in order to help show why slogging around with a bag full of stuff is the smartest thing a person can do, I thought I'd catalog what I regularly carry around with me, and why. Standard items, like a wallet and keys, will be excluded, because almost everyone carries them around, so they don't really merit an explanation.

Pen: because I never know when a fantastic idea will strike me, or when an opportunity will arise to scrawl a dirty word on a poster of some sort.

Notebook: usually the only place I can scrawl dirty words.

Planner: place to scrawl dirty word to-do lists, and dirty word appointments. Sometimes I even put responsible things in there. Usually not. For example, here's my schedule for today:

10:00 Poopy School. Essay Due. Don't forget to print it off.
3:00 See stupid teacher that thought you cheated when you didn't. Be sure to stick your tongue out.
5:00 Diving Bell and The Butterfly. Bring snacks
10:00 Work Out. Mad TV on Fox [I only work out because my gym gets cable and I don't]

Shovel walk (but not the part leading up to your ungrateful upstairs neighbor's steps. They can slip and die for all I care)
Read Sappho the Lesbian's poetry
Find and eat some cookies

As you can see, the planner is not a very mature item for me. On a side note, Sappho is a Greek poetess who was incredibly influential in her time and ours. However, she is open to all number of bawdy jokes because, being from the island of Lesbos, she was a native Lesbian. The teacher of this class does not allow us to make Lesbian jokes though; if we do he's promised to throw us out.

Water Bottle: Dehydration is a nasty, terrible thing in any season or weather. Plus if I'm lost in the desert and come upon an oasis, I'll never have to worry about what to carry the water in.

Camera: For blackmailing purposes, and to help provide supplementary material for this blog.

Lotion: To help prevent my hands from drying out, which is a side effect of not drinking enough water from said water bottle, and because I live in Utah, where it's notoriously hard to keep one's skin supple and soft.

Chapstick: I carry this for similar reasons to the water bottle and the lotion.

Wash Cloth: To wipe up messes and clean up spills. I have to use this far more often than I'd like to admit to.

Thumbdrive: I keep my will on this little device, just in case I am found dead somewhere and nobody knows what to do with me or my belongings. I also keep a hard copy in my underwear drawer. The thumbdrive also allows me to carry around class assignments and pirated copies of Battle Pope.

Flashlight: Someday zombies will attack, or I will be trapped in a cave, or the government conspiracies will all come true and the power will be shut off while the military attempts to systematically exterminate the lower classes. When that day, or those days, come, I will be ready and prepared with a flashlight, which, according to most of the movies I watch and books I read, will be incredibly useful in helping me survive.

Harvey: Harvey is a small bronze newt whom I usually keep in my pocket. I keep him around because he makes me laugh, and I'm less nervous when I feel like I have a friendly person with me, even if they are inanimate.

A Variety of Food: I like to eat, and usually go a long time without going home for meals, so it helps to carry around things like fruit leather and tomato juice, just in case. I also usually have gold fish crackers (in a gold fish-shaped Tupperware), and a sandwich (in a wonder bread-shaped container).

These are the staples of my bag, though the contents vary, depending on the slated activities for the day. Though more things would be helpful, I really feel as though I'm only missing two items. One is a gun, the other is a pocket knife. I want the gun for zombie attacks, government (or other institutional) exterminations, and in case anyone ever tries to mug me. Seriously, I think crime rates would plummet if everybody was a version of Dirty Harry; armed and willing to stop shooting only to ask if the punk feels lucky. The pocket knife would help for any number of reasons, but I don't have a good quality one, and I'm usually not too far from a pair of scissors, so I haven't yet had cause to worry about it.

On an only slightly related note, I apologize for the long post, but today's lecture was especially boring.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Gulliver's Kids

Kimber would like to note that the stupid girl who took Kimber's spot in class is going to get jumped on her way home unless she stops sitting there and lets Kimber take her rightful place.

I was supposed to have read Gulliver's Travels twice over the course of my college career, and even once in high school. Thanks to a very battered personal copy of the Gulliver's Travels Cliffsnotes, I've never had to. However, as I've gone over the book more and more, I've realized that I really don't care for Gulliver, and I feel very badly for his children.

For those of you who, like me, have not read the book, I'll summarize. Gulliver works on ships as a doctor, but gets shipwrecked and ends up in a land of tiny (or lilliputian) people. He eventually finds his way home, and guessing that the odds of shipwrecking again aren't that bad, goes sailing again. He gets marooned in a land of huge people where's he's treated like a pet and made to striptease for a bunch of giant ladies. When he finally gets back from that misadventure, he's stupid enough to go out again and finds another land, which I'm not very clear on because the Cliffsnotes version doesn't cover it very well. Since Gulliver is the dumb of all dumbs (Gulliver=gullivble) once he's home from that, he goes out a fourth time, and finds a land where horses are completely sensible humans are naked hairy men grubbing around in the dirt.

Gulliver gets a little more messed up with each adventure, but by the end of the fourth book, he's decided that people are crap, and spends most of his time acting like a horse, hanging around in the stables, and emerging only occasionally to lecture his children about the evils of pride.

I know that a lot of kids have absent fathers, but imagine if you had a father who had to travel for his job, was shipwrecked and assumed dead several times, and then came back, but only to hypocritically drill you about how bad pride is. Now imagine that he was whinnying like a horse when he did it, and only let you eat oats. If I were one of them, I'd probably plan a little "accident" that would finally put Gulliver, and countless English students around the world, out of their misery.

That is all.

Monday, January 5, 2009

I'm Waiting for Life to Shower Me with Meaning and Happiness

Kimber wishes.

It's the first day of school, and I've spent the entire day looking through class descriptions and majors, trying to find something easier. I'm an English major, which is pretty easy, but there are a lot of books to read, and almost as many papers to write. I suppose I should have spent the first day paying attention, networking, forming study groups, and getting an early start on the reading, but that would involve work, and I consider my work done for the day by the mere fact that I got out of bed and came to school.

I think I've always looked for an easier way out of things. When I first started in band I wanted to play the trumpet rather than the saxophone because basic logic says that three keys must be easier to learn than twenty-three. That proved to be untrue (though I had to do a lot of sluething to find this out, as we only owned a saxophone and it's hard to qualitatively measure personal experience against another's testimony).

In any case, I spent today looking for an easier way to get a Bachelors, but there really isn't one, unless I'm very rich and able to just hire somebody else to go to class for me and do the work. If I were rich, that is surely what I'd do, but I'm not, so I can't.

Since the class in which I was trying to avoid work is now over; to sum up: I'm lazy, school is hard, I'm not rich, and despite all of these things I expect to have a degree in April and find a high-paying job which I enjoy, no matter how little I deserve these things. In short, rather than work for anything, I'm waiting for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Happy New Year 4 days late

This is Devin. I win in that I have written the most posts. Someone else post! Nolan or Kimber write some crap!! my posts tend to not be very interesting.
The main reason for this post is that my Grandparents are leaving town tomorrow for a couple of weeks. Nolan and I currently live with our grandparents and we are bored most of the time. Nolan spends most of his time playing Fallout 3 and I spend most of my time surfing the internet for derogatory information. But the fact that my Grandparents are moving out means that we can party it up. So I was wondering if some awesome good looking people would like to come to our grandparent's house and help us party it up. Interested folk should leave their email in the comment section. If your European that's a plus. Thanks:)