Friday, November 13, 2009

How to be a Best-Selling Vampire Novelist

Kimber explains.

It's easy to become a best-selling vampire novelist. All you need to do is follow these simple steps. Feel free to be creative and add personal flourishes to your story, but be sure to complete each required item, otherwise you'll find yourself in the half-off bin faster than you can say "bite me". Stick to the list though, and you'll find yourself signing a big movie or HBO deal just as fast.

1. Make your protagonist a young woman who thinks she isn't special, but really is. You don't have to actually make her special, just show that she's so by having all the males around her fall uncontrollably in love with her. All the desirable males, that is.

2. The protagonist should have a vampire love interest. He should be tall, dark, handsome, and most importantly, aloof. The protagonist should not be able to understand what he is thinking, and most encounters with him should leave her confused. He should love her fully and completely, but be unable to say so, and she should be unsure of these obvious feelings.

3. Upon her romantic involvement with a vampire, the protagonist should be swept into a dangerous underworld of mythical creatures and secret societies. Everyone in this underworld should be fascinated, or at least interested in the protagonist, though again, she should not understand why.

4. The protagonist needs to be a virgin. This is very important, as the first time she has sex with a vampire needs to be the most memorable time. The protagonist should have a strong sex drive, but not use it until her vampire lover appears. The sensual loss of innocence is a very important theme in vampire novels.

5. Sex is a very important aspect in any best-selling vampire novel. If you are selling to tweenagers, make the sexual tension subtle, but omnipresent. If you are selling to a more adult crowd, include several tasteful sex scenes which include the protagonist reaching ultimate pleasure over and over again. The protagonist's lovers should be gentle and caring, yet they need to take charge of the situation. There should never, ever be any awkwardness in love-making (other than that of being interrupted by a jealous suitor), and every sexual experience should be a perfect one.

6. Most importantly, your protagonist needs to be nondescript. Every female reader should be able to identify with your protagonist, sympathize with her, and fantasize that she is her. This full-life voyeurism is what sells novels and brings media deals, so be sure to never, ever skip this step.

1 comment:

  1. I saw the title of this post, and I knew that coming from Kimber it would be 1.) great and 2.) accurate so I didn't even fell I needed to read it.