How to be a Best-Selling Vampire Novelist

Kimber explains.

It's easy to become a best-selling vampire novelist. All you need to do is follow these simple steps. Feel free to be creative and add personal flourishes to your story, but be sure to complete each required item, otherwise you'll find yourself in the half-off bin faster than you can say "bite me". Stick to the list though, and you'll find yourself signing a big movie or HBO deal just as fast.

1. Make your protagonist a young woman who thinks she isn't special, but really is. You don't have to actually make her special, just show that she's so by having all the males around her fall uncontrollably in love with her. All the desirable males, that is.

2. The protagonist should have a vampire love interest. He should be tall, dark, handsome, and most importantly, aloof. The protagonist should not be able to understand what he is thinking, and most encounters with him should leave her confused. He should love her fully and completely, but be unable to say so, and she should be unsure of these obvious feelings.

3. Upon her romantic involvement with a vampire, the protagonist should be swept into a dangerous underworld of mythical creatures and secret societies. Everyone in this underworld should be fascinated, or at least interested in the protagonist, though again, she should not understand why.

4. The protagonist needs to be a virgin. This is very important, as the first time she has sex with a vampire needs to be the most memorable time. The protagonist should have a strong sex drive, but not use it until her vampire lover appears. The sensual loss of innocence is a very important theme in vampire novels.

5. Sex is a very important aspect in any best-selling vampire novel. If you are selling to tweenagers, make the sexual tension subtle, but omnipresent. If you are selling to a more adult crowd, include several tasteful sex scenes which include the protagonist reaching ultimate pleasure over and over again. The protagonist's lovers should be gentle and caring, yet they need to take charge of the situation. There should never, ever be any awkwardness in love-making (other than that of being interrupted by a jealous suitor), and every sexual experience should be a perfect one.

6. Most importantly, your protagonist needs to be nondescript. Every female reader should be able to identify with your protagonist, sympathize with her, and fantasize that she is her. This full-life voyeurism is what sells novels and brings media deals, so be sure to never, ever skip this step.

When You Give a Mouse Some Grass Seed...

Kimber relates a recent experience.

Today, as I was doing yard work, I found a little group of mice hiding in my garden shed. They've apparently been living very comfortably on a bag of grass seed that I had stored in there, so I took the grass seed out and attempted to get my dog to chase them down. Despite the fact that he was bred in part to catch and kill rodents, he was too afraid of the cement floor and dark interior of the shed to do more than growl at them from the door.

Because of this, I ended up spending my entire afternoon cleaning everything out of the shed, washing off all the junk that had mice droppings on it, and screaming like a banshee every time one of the mice ran across the floor. The neighborhood kids even gathered in my front yard to watch me swear as I hauled stuff out, and swear louder every time I thought a mouse had touched me.

In the end, all the mice hid behind a large book case which was too heavy for me to move. I thought this was a very anti-climactic ending, so instead I'm going to say that they bonzai-attacked me by jumping from the rafters into my hair, but I head-butted all but one of them into the wall, then let my super-brave, ferocious dog lick their bleeding guts. The one that lived ran away to be institutionalized in the country, where all he will say is "Can't sleep, Sparty will eat me". Oh, also, the neighborhood children now respect me an incredible amount, and the only new words I taught them were SAT-approved.

A Tidbit for Thought

Provided by Kimber.

"The King and Queen died" is just a report.

"The King and Queen died of grief" is a story.

The Kimber Update 10/21/09

Jarret and I have decided to start filming Kimber more in order to make our blog more video centric. This is the first result of our labors.

Things you should know before you watch o' random stranger:
1:Sparticus is Kimber's dog.

2:Caralee is Kimber's younger sister.

Have fun

Story Time

This is Devin.
The other day I was exploring the files on an old usb drive that we have. And lo and behold I was rewarded by the USB drive gods who presented me with an old story that Nolan wrote back in High School. (SPOILER!) It involves awesome so don't read ahead if you don't like that.
With no furthur ado, I present to you the story.




The Magic Painter
By: Nolan Renshaw

One day old Picador sat down and began to think. He thought of his life, he thought of his children, but most importantly of all: he thought of his weed. Ah yes, weed; the curer of all sickness, the brightness to every bad day, and the key to all highness. It was a fact that Picador smoked weed often.
On the table next to him were his personal belongings. These items included his brush, his pallet, a broken vase, a load of rubbish and obviously: his weed.

“MMMM,” thought Picador as he reached in his coat for matches. Suddenly a shiver went down his spine, “my matches,” he whispered to himself. “WHERE ARE MY MATCHES!?” Picador felt the heat rise in him as he realized what was going on. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAA,” He Violently screamed, sending himself on a wild goose hunt.

During the hunt, Picador found it appropriate to throw chairs around. It seemed to soothe his soul. It also made the hunt more fun.

About an hour later, Picador plopped down to rest. “Where are my matches?” he sobbed, “Oh boo who, snort, sniff.” A sound caught Picador’s ear. “What was that” he said raising his head, “eek a Rat!” Yet little did picador know, this rat wasn’t just any rat, this rat was different, and he had some matches in his mouth. Unfortunately, before picador could realize the irony of the whole situation, Ratty poo ran away.

“Come back!” picador cried- Even though it was no good because rats couldn’t understand English.-“Come back.” The old man then dropped his head, got up, and walked softly back to his table. He looked around at his ruined house. “Amazing what a difference matches can make,” picador grumbled, and began his long depressing journey of painting a picture, without weed.

THE WEEDY END

Devin is right here you turd

This is Devin. Sorry to our fans and a very special sorry to Patty for not posting in a while. But no sorry to Kimber or Nolan. For secret reasons.

Anywhoo, I guess I should start with the lame excuses, so you people know where I have been and stuff.
Recently, I got a job at IHOP where I bus tables and put up with crap from people. Usually when I get home from this job of hell I wish the world would burn into a fiery crisp and take all the IHOPs and Miley Cyruses in the world with it. This of course doesn't put me in a good mood for creative writing.
Also, I'm taking a class at UVU. Yes, one class. Which for most Joe-bloes would be easy, but I am a special retarded case. When everyone else was able to turn in their mid term assignment finished and ready to get an 'A' grade, I turned mine in half-baked and ready to get (hopefully) a 'C' grade. Yes I am optimistic about this.
My final and best excuse is that last Tuesday naked booby Hawaiians burst into my house, tied me down, and pleasured me so hard that I went into a trance like state that I only woke up from about ten minutes ago. I am being completely honest.

Here's a funny thing.


Sorry if I offend anyone with my brashness, wait what am I saying? No I'm not.
Have a nice day.

Time to wipe the crack (FAN MAIL)

Today we got a special letter from a Boonshequa in Texas which reads:

Dear nerd night posse. I think kimbers stories are gay, please kill her and give all my love to Devin, (who has gone missing)...

The rest is just x rated porno stuff about the sexual things she did to devin while on a cruise in mexico. BOONSHEQUAS ROCK!

oh and her name was Patty



Today I Nolan will answer this fanmail by saying: WHAT THE HELL PATTY! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU! I Read throught that entire letter two whole times and not once did I see my name mentioned. That's sick and wrong, you should be ashamed. Oh and as for killing kimber. Devin's on that right now, so just hang tight and keep your panties on.

It's not too often we get fanmail but when we do it's pretty cool.

Where the Hell is Devin?

Kimber speculates.

Though started as an individual venture by Devin, Time to Wipe the Crack quickly became a group effort, with the responsibilities for it shared between Devin, Nolan, and Kimber. However, Nolan in effect died by joining the navy, so it's just been Devin and Kimber for a while. Alert readers will notice however, that Devin hasn't posted in more than a month. Where has he gone? What is he doing? Why does he apparently not have an internet connection? In order to better answer these questions and more, a few different scenarios will now be offered. We (now just Kimber) invite the readers to vote on which they think is the most likely.

Scenario Goosefoot
Devin was directed to finish the job of slaughtering his chickens by finding the one errant meat hen that was hidden amongst the laying hens. His search lead him to a series of clues which has taken him to Siberia, where he now is in the process of interrogating a very lost and very confused duck.

Scenario UVU Rocks
Devin couldn't take the pressure created by the hulking institution of BYU anymore, so he developed a plan to take down the University himself. The first stage of this plan is very similar to the last scene of Inside Man (Spoiler Alert!), in that he is now hiding behind a false wall, pooping in a little hole he dug and eating granola bars. He just has to wait for Denzel Washington to go by so that he can set in motion a chain of events that will take the home of the cougars down.

Scenario Butt
Devin doesn't eat enough fiber. Enough said.

Scenario Sibling
Biddle has taken Devin hostage in a desperate attempt to establish himself as the most favorite child. Nolan was in the navy, and Larissa was busy doing troll things, but other than that all the Renshaw children are currently locked in the chicken coop, hoping that Joselyn will acquiesce to Biddle's requests before the worst happens.