Thursday, June 11, 2009

Red Alert at Time to Wipe the Crack

Kimber reports.

We are in a panic mode here at Time to Wipe the Crack, as due to Nolan's joining the Navy, and Grant's forgetting about us completely, we have very few readers left. The staff is concerned, as their jobs depend on the popularity of this blog, and so they have pitched the following ideas to increase readership:

1. Sign Eric Idle (of Monty Python fame) to start guest writing pieces. Encourage him to write humorous songs as well.

2. Hack into's servers so that every time people try to go to their website, they get re-directed to ours.

3. Invent a device that allows computers to manufacture chocolate, but only after the user has left a positive comment on our blog.

4. We'll get back to you on four. Government censorship is currently keeping us from telling you just how awesome idea number four really is.

5. Get Bill Gates to somehow endorse us, as well as force users of his software to visit our site every time they go online.

6. Place ads for Time to Wipe the Crack during children's television, and include an annoying theme song, so their parents will be forced to visit the site in order to get their children to shut up.

7. Suggestion number seven is just as awesome as suggestion number four, except that it has sparkles, so it's double-censored.

8. We could post a series of pictures that are so disgusting and offensive that some group will protest them, thus causing people to check out the site to see what all the fuss is about. Perhaps a picture of Nolan in his underwear might do.

9. Since Leno is starting a new late night show (except that it won't air so late at night), one of the Time to Wipe the Crack staff could try to get a job on it, then write subliminal messaging advertisements into our jokes. Thousands of middle-agers would log on to our blog without ever knowing why.

10. Make the blog even more awesome than it is now.

So, dear and few readers, vote in the comments section for which suggestion you think is the best. Or we could always just write more consistently with higher quality. That could work too.

P.S. Nolan, I only made that snide remark about you in your underwear because I'm jealous of how much sexier you are then me. I'll never be able to compare. Sigh.


  1. Number 7. Everything's better with sparkles (female twix, bagels, strippers, genocide....).

  2. Someone please explain to me what a 'female twix' is.

  3. HEY! I do too read y'all's (hey look two apostrophes at once) blog, Kimber! I don't always comment, and lately when I do I'm too lazy to sign into my blogger account so I comment anonymously instead. Nevertheless, the Most Holy Order of Grantula absolves thee of the sins caused by thy unbelief, knowing that thou now knoweth the truth.


    Number 8, because Nolan needs more face time on here now that he's navified. Or more bum time.

  4. Thanks Grant, I was worried that you had finally succumbed to Texas-big-headitis and abandoned us completely.

    And a female twix is a candy bar called a "fling". It's essentially a twix, but smaller, marketed to women, and they put sparkles in the chocolate. I'm serious. Google it if you don't believe me.


  5. By the way Grant is coming up on July 24th. And Nolans base camp gradutation is July 14th or 16th I think. After he graduates he's coming down to visit for two weeks so that we can have both Grant and Nolan at the same time!