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a normal navy day where I deal with nekkid roommates

Santa Update

Kimber imagines.

In my head, Santa is busy at this very moment pulling old toys out of the garbage to give to kids. You think the recession didn't hit the North Pole? Think again bitches. Half of the elves were laid off because Santa couldn't get a bail-out. Enjoy your gifts.

One Year Does Not a Tradition Make

Kimber rants.

This year, due to a messy divorce, will be the first year I spend at home. Usually my family goes out of state during Christmas in order to visit grandparents, but since grandparents and parents are now biased against one another, I decided to just stay home. Though the divorce is sad, staying home for Christmas is making me very happy.

As part of my first Christmas at home, I've decided to make a feast, which will include roast duck, ratatouille, vegetable strudel, and orange custard cake, among other things. I invited my extended family in Utah to come, and they accepted, which also made me happy. However, my extended family (read: grandmother, aunt, and aunt's husband and children) later decided they weren't coming after all, as last year they had Christmas dinner at my aunts house. Last year was the only year they've done this, but they decided it's a tradition now, so none of them will be coming to my meal.

There are several problems with their decision. One: my aunt is a crappy cook. My food will be lightyears better. Two: one year does not a tradition make. Three: they should have declined the invitation in the first place, instead of causing me the trouble of having to revamp an entire dinner to fit the new, reduced guest list. Four: this aunt is always bitching about how we should support each other and spend more time together, yet she has rejected every single one of our invitations to do so. Five: KIMBER ANGRY.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Christmas Service

Kimber asks a favor.

The holidays are the time where we're supposed to become more selfless, more thoughtful, and more inclined to commit our resources towards the good of all mankind. However, I have fallen prey to the relentless advertising and am simply looking for more places to buy better things.

Unfortunately, one of the best places to buy the awesomest things does not have a location in Utah. Yes people, I'm talking about Trader Joe's. It's a grocery store with recycled, free-range, organic, free-trade, sustainable, and imported products that are surprisingly cheap. Trader Joe's has a wide selection of spices, cookies, juices, and chocolate, all of which are extremely delicious. If you thought the arrival of In-N-Out to Utah was spectacular, then Trader Joe's will blow your mind.

But let's get back to the topic at hand: Christmas service. We shouldn't be concentrating on what awesome deals we can get on Japanese ice cream balls or the more worrying aspects of recycled toilet paper. We should be concentrating about how we can better the world and lift each others' spirits. Of course, if you want to multi-task, then you can perform the extremely invaluable service of requesting Trader Joe's to set up a location in Utah by going to:

http://www.traderjoes.com/static/location_requests_form.aspx

and filling out a quick little form. If enough of us do this, they will hopefully be convinced to come to our little mountain state, and everyone will be insanely over-joyed and live happily ever after. You will have taken part in one of the most noble efforts this Christmas season, and it won't have even taken up much of your time at all. Plus, you'll have another place you can go Christmas shopping.

Since We Haven't Posted in a While...

...Kimber will now provide something, and invites our readers to discuss whether or not it is funny, and if it is, how much so on a scale of one to ten, one being the least funny, ten being the most funny.

home for the holidays

YAY!! ^-^

Anyway I'm leaving on the 17th... I'm really happy because I was able to get a great deal on round trip tickets without spending an arm and a leg. :w00t:

what's really great is that I'm arriving in Utah really early around 12:00. Yep the airport is being kind to me ^-^. They're making a strait beeline run from providence Road island, stopping once in Chicago. And then strait to salt lake. God loves me, and I love God.

Anyway I mainly wanna see some comments from my bro... Because when I get in Utah I have some serious questions about my property; which may, or may not be broken and destroyed by a bunch of disrespecting family members. >.>

Grandpa hinted that my buick may or may not be sitting ducks in the driveway with all the other broken down cars. And because of this my poor mother had to walk home 3 miles in the snow...uphill...both ways...>.>. Why didn't you tell me that my car got fucked?

Also how's my baby doing? you know my MAC? Because I really miss her... I bet she misses me too.

What Happens When the Airline Loses Your Luggage

Kimber enlightens.

I was invited to go with my great uncle to Aspen, Colorado this weekend. Being one to shirk responsibility and ditch out on previously-made obligations in the hopes of some fun, I immediately said yes. Flaky as I may be, I am dedicated enough to my devoted readers (and egotistical enough) to post updates on my trip.

Currently, I'm in the Aspen airport, waiting for my uncle's flight to arrive. I would have already brushed my teeth, splashed water on my face, moisturized, and perhaps changed outfits, except that my luggage is not yet here. This has never happened to me before. Up until this point, I believed myself to be a lucky traveler; one who never has any thing become lost or stolen, and who always has fun despite the worst of conditions.

Standing at the baggage carousel long after all the other passengers had left the airport, I started to realize that this might not be the case. I might be one of those hum-drum people who loses their luggage, is bogged down by the difficulties of travel, and who will eventually become an irate, haggard old woman who screams at airport personnel when not allowed to take her over-sized bag on board with her as a carry-on.

Thinking about this probable future made me sad, and I was about to start bemoaning my luck as I waited for Kevin (the friendly dude who finished dealing with aforementioned irate bag-lady and then dealt with me as if the nasty event hadn't happened at all--way to be graceful, Kevin) to locate my bag, when he handed me this:



A goody bag full of tiny toiletries! This promptly restored my faith in my luckiness as a traveler. I think it's worth it losing my bag, if I get a replacement bag full of smaller, cuter replacements. Not all travelers may feel this way, but that's why they don't enjoy themselves as much as I do.

And for those of you who are concerned about my bag, don't worry, Kevin worked wonders. He located it in Denver, had it put on the next flight to Aspen, and will have it delivered to my hotel room by nine o'clock tonight. That leaves me just enough time to enjoy my tiny toiletries before I start needing their full-sized versions.

How to be a Best-Selling Vampire Novelist

Kimber explains.

It's easy to become a best-selling vampire novelist. All you need to do is follow these simple steps. Feel free to be creative and add personal flourishes to your story, but be sure to complete each required item, otherwise you'll find yourself in the half-off bin faster than you can say "bite me". Stick to the list though, and you'll find yourself signing a big movie or HBO deal just as fast.

1. Make your protagonist a young woman who thinks she isn't special, but really is. You don't have to actually make her special, just show that she's so by having all the males around her fall uncontrollably in love with her. All the desirable males, that is.

2. The protagonist should have a vampire love interest. He should be tall, dark, handsome, and most importantly, aloof. The protagonist should not be able to understand what he is thinking, and most encounters with him should leave her confused. He should love her fully and completely, but be unable to say so, and she should be unsure of these obvious feelings.

3. Upon her romantic involvement with a vampire, the protagonist should be swept into a dangerous underworld of mythical creatures and secret societies. Everyone in this underworld should be fascinated, or at least interested in the protagonist, though again, she should not understand why.

4. The protagonist needs to be a virgin. This is very important, as the first time she has sex with a vampire needs to be the most memorable time. The protagonist should have a strong sex drive, but not use it until her vampire lover appears. The sensual loss of innocence is a very important theme in vampire novels.

5. Sex is a very important aspect in any best-selling vampire novel. If you are selling to tweenagers, make the sexual tension subtle, but omnipresent. If you are selling to a more adult crowd, include several tasteful sex scenes which include the protagonist reaching ultimate pleasure over and over again. The protagonist's lovers should be gentle and caring, yet they need to take charge of the situation. There should never, ever be any awkwardness in love-making (other than that of being interrupted by a jealous suitor), and every sexual experience should be a perfect one.

6. Most importantly, your protagonist needs to be nondescript. Every female reader should be able to identify with your protagonist, sympathize with her, and fantasize that she is her. This full-life voyeurism is what sells novels and brings media deals, so be sure to never, ever skip this step.