Friday, January 9, 2009

The 100th Post!

Kimber marks an anniversary of sorts.

If you haven't guessed yet, I am in a class which I find to be boorish and uninformative, so our faithful readers (both of them) will now be receiving updates every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday between the hours of two and three o'clock.

Many people have noticed and made fun of the fact that I always have some kind of bag with me, usually a tote, and that I keep all sorts of odd items in there. However, people usually only notice this when I am able to save the day somehow with something that I've been packing around for years. So, in order to help show why slogging around with a bag full of stuff is the smartest thing a person can do, I thought I'd catalog what I regularly carry around with me, and why. Standard items, like a wallet and keys, will be excluded, because almost everyone carries them around, so they don't really merit an explanation.

Pen: because I never know when a fantastic idea will strike me, or when an opportunity will arise to scrawl a dirty word on a poster of some sort.

Notebook: usually the only place I can scrawl dirty words.

Planner: place to scrawl dirty word to-do lists, and dirty word appointments. Sometimes I even put responsible things in there. Usually not. For example, here's my schedule for today:

10:00 Poopy School. Essay Due. Don't forget to print it off.
3:00 See stupid teacher that thought you cheated when you didn't. Be sure to stick your tongue out.
5:00 Diving Bell and The Butterfly. Bring snacks
10:00 Work Out. Mad TV on Fox [I only work out because my gym gets cable and I don't]

Shovel walk (but not the part leading up to your ungrateful upstairs neighbor's steps. They can slip and die for all I care)
Read Sappho the Lesbian's poetry
Find and eat some cookies

As you can see, the planner is not a very mature item for me. On a side note, Sappho is a Greek poetess who was incredibly influential in her time and ours. However, she is open to all number of bawdy jokes because, being from the island of Lesbos, she was a native Lesbian. The teacher of this class does not allow us to make Lesbian jokes though; if we do he's promised to throw us out.

Water Bottle: Dehydration is a nasty, terrible thing in any season or weather. Plus if I'm lost in the desert and come upon an oasis, I'll never have to worry about what to carry the water in.

Camera: For blackmailing purposes, and to help provide supplementary material for this blog.

Lotion: To help prevent my hands from drying out, which is a side effect of not drinking enough water from said water bottle, and because I live in Utah, where it's notoriously hard to keep one's skin supple and soft.

Chapstick: I carry this for similar reasons to the water bottle and the lotion.

Wash Cloth: To wipe up messes and clean up spills. I have to use this far more often than I'd like to admit to.

Thumbdrive: I keep my will on this little device, just in case I am found dead somewhere and nobody knows what to do with me or my belongings. I also keep a hard copy in my underwear drawer. The thumbdrive also allows me to carry around class assignments and pirated copies of Battle Pope.

Flashlight: Someday zombies will attack, or I will be trapped in a cave, or the government conspiracies will all come true and the power will be shut off while the military attempts to systematically exterminate the lower classes. When that day, or those days, come, I will be ready and prepared with a flashlight, which, according to most of the movies I watch and books I read, will be incredibly useful in helping me survive.

Harvey: Harvey is a small bronze newt whom I usually keep in my pocket. I keep him around because he makes me laugh, and I'm less nervous when I feel like I have a friendly person with me, even if they are inanimate.

A Variety of Food: I like to eat, and usually go a long time without going home for meals, so it helps to carry around things like fruit leather and tomato juice, just in case. I also usually have gold fish crackers (in a gold fish-shaped Tupperware), and a sandwich (in a wonder bread-shaped container).

These are the staples of my bag, though the contents vary, depending on the slated activities for the day. Though more things would be helpful, I really feel as though I'm only missing two items. One is a gun, the other is a pocket knife. I want the gun for zombie attacks, government (or other institutional) exterminations, and in case anyone ever tries to mug me. Seriously, I think crime rates would plummet if everybody was a version of Dirty Harry; armed and willing to stop shooting only to ask if the punk feels lucky. The pocket knife would help for any number of reasons, but I don't have a good quality one, and I'm usually not too far from a pair of scissors, so I haven't yet had cause to worry about it.

On an only slightly related note, I apologize for the long post, but today's lecture was especially boring.

1 comment:

  1. I need to see this Harvey. Also Kimber with a gun would be dangerous as hell.
    On another note I'm glad that we'll be seeing updates every monday, wednesday, and friday even though it does make me feel lazy for not posting more often. :\