It's destiny I tell you.

Devin here, further stereotyping the cliche that all I do is post videos and links to some other person's intelligent crap. And yes I'm posting because I'm jealous that Kimber posted a whole bunch of stuff and therefore is stealing all the spotlight.
Wench.
But really we so glad Kimba is back. And her little dog too. Now onward with important matters.

I don't even want to introduce the first selection. Just rejoice that someone put this together on the internet.
Men who look like old lesbians

The second item is a weird little video that I didn't know what to think about. So I'm posting it here hoping that someone who likes monsters and little asian kids will analyze it for me.


I may or may not have messed with the html embed video code so that it would kindof fit. Atleast the full screen button shows now.

It's Freaking Hot Here

Kimber sweats out her last day in California.

Hello All, and goodbye smoggy, crowded, stinky California. Don't get me wrong, the state has its good points, it's just that very few of them can be found in Stockton. For my last day here I continued to work on my Grandpa's computer until it was time to meet my Great Uncle Bill for lunch. We went to the Macaroni Grill and had fun catching up on gossip. He still works, so I had to leave after an hour and a half, but it was still enjoyable.

After getting back from a late lunch, I made an early dinner for my grandparents. Since it was gumbo they delayed eating it for as long as possible. Once we finally sat down and ate, they were surprised at how good it was. People, I tell you, I can cook like nobody's business if left to myself.

After dinner Grandpa, Spartacus, and I went on a stressful walk. It would have been nice, but a little terrier chased us halfway around the block. I would have been proactive, but his Korean owner was chasing after him hissing. I couldn't tell if the hissing was directed at the dog or us, but I decided to avoid confrontation.

Now I'm trapped back in my Grandpa's oven of a room, trying to get google video chat to work. I think I might just give up and tell him that google went under in the recession. After all, it is my last night here, and I do still have some ice cream to finish.

San Francisco...Or Not.

Today was supposed to be the day we went to San Francisco, but it looks like I wore my Grandpa out sooner than I thought I would, so we stayed home. For some reason my body decided that five in the morning was no longer an acceptable wake up time, so I didn't get up until eleven, a act which I received no end of teasing about.

I didn't do much for the rest of the day besides help my grandparents grocery shop for my cousin (we don't share well, so more oreos were required). After that I took a nap (yes, I know, I needed a lot of sleep today), then the four of us went to see G.I. Joe. I've seen it before, but I have to admit, the real subtleties of the movie reveal themselves with the second viewing. After that we were going to go to In-N-Out Burger, but The Outback Steakhouse was closer, so we went there instead.

By the time we got home it was too dark and I was too full to walk Spartacus, but he was so lonely from being outside all day that all he wanted to do was cuddle on my lap anyway. I'll have to carry my big bag tomorrow so he can come with me wherever I go.

The State Fair

By Kimber: Reporting from the field since...yesterday.

Today my Grandpa Joe, Nana Barbara, and I went to the California state fair. We were fifteen minutes late, as I didn't sleep properly (thanks to Grandpa's ghost and Spartacus growling at it) and so slept in. This caused my Grandpa to insist that he drive, which caused me to become violently ill. It turned out that we were only fifteen minutes late, a mistake which my Grandpa was almost livid about, but forgave immediately once he realized that there were still parking spots left in the shade. This forgiveness didn't absolve my carsickness though, so I had to stick my head between my knees for a little while before we could go in.

The fair was nice, though the salespeople at the booths were more pushy than usual due to the recession (at least I assume it was due to the recession. It could just be that global assholism is on the rise). I didn't get anything, though I was tempted by the worm composting bins, and the attractive guy selling them. However, the attractive guy had terrible coffee breath, and the bins were ninety dollars, so it looks like I'll be dreaming of Clint Eastwood and mixing my own compost until something better comes along.

Today we found out that my cousin Joey just got a job in Stockton (he's been living with Rae Anne and her family in Sacramento), so he'll be coming to stay with my grandparents tonight, and Rae Anne and Takeo will be coming tomorrow. This meant that I had to keep Spartacus chained in the kitchen all afternoon. I sat with him the entire time, but he was still sulky and refused to eat his dinner. I was going to go on a sympathy hunger strike with him, until I realized that I had chocolate ice cream bon bons from Trader Joe's in the freezer, so I gave up. This ended up being a good thing, as once Spartacus saw I was eating, he decided to eat too. This decision might have been aided by the fact that I dropped some ice cream in his dish along with his dog food.

On a side note, my family members have been asking what I'm typing, and I made the mistake of telling them that it was a blog. They asked for the address, but I deflected their requests by telling them that it was immature and they wouldn't like it. The real reason I refused was because I couldn't remember how insulting or not the things I've written about them are. So, the poll question of the day (which I hope you'll answer in the comments section) is: How insulting would the members of my family find this blog to be?

California: A Trip Summary

Written by Kimber: Making People Laugh Since 1986.

Hello All, I've been in California for the past week or so, and only fixed my Grandpa's internet today, so I haven't been able to give daily updates on my trip. (Un)Fortunately for you, I've been saving up the best tidbits from my trip, and will post them here for you now. I'll be traveling till Wednesday, so look for daily updates from now till then. I do this all not for your benefit, but because I am narcissistic, and enjoy hearing myself type.

Friday, August 14, 2009

On the trip from Utah to California there were three people in the car, Spartacus, my Grandma, and me. Only one of us had ice cream, and only one of us is lactose intolerant. Unfortunately, those two were the same person, and so we spent the trip with the windows down from Lovelock, Nevada onwards.

When I finally got to Stockton after dropping off my Grandma in Napa (my grandparents are divorced; my Grandma used to live in Napa but moved to Utah, she just went back to Napa to visit. My Grandpa in Stockton and his second wife, my Nana Barbara are the two I'm visiting and staying with), my Grandpa and Nana had dinner waiting for me. There was roast chicken, macaroni salad, and steamed vegetables. They neglected to tell me about the home-grown, industrial-strength chili peppers in the vegetables, and both ended up laughing till they cried while I made a fool of myself sobbing and chugging milk. I couldn't taste anything again until the middle of the next day. They said that those chilis were the mild ones.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

I spent today recovering from the after-effects of yesterday's events. I also got to meet my cousin's illegitimate son, Takeo; make the arrangements to visit other family members, not all of whom my Grandpa is fond of; go shopping for all the meals I'm cooking, which I do to thank Nana and Grandpa for letting me stay with them; and sneak Spartacus into the house, even though Nana said he had to stay in the yard. I also convinced her to let him sleep in my room, even though she only wanted him to sleep in the kitchen. It was a sweet victory which I celebrated by letting Spartacus sleep in bed with me, rather than beside the bed like Nana thought he would. Don't tell.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

My Great Uncle Bill came and visited today. He doesn't get along with most of the family, but for some reason he likes me, so he spent all day with us. I mostly told him about the rotten things my sisters do, as I try to paint myself in the best light by not telling people about all the rotten things I do. Apparently this technique worked, as he invited me to go to Hawaii with him. The invitation was not extended to Spartacus though, so I guess he'll have to stay home while I snorkel and learn to golf.

I decided it would be nice to make dinner for everybody today, and since this is my first time cooking for Uncle Bill I chose to make spaghetti, as my recipe is divine and foolproof. However, I didn't manage to make the kitchen completely Nana proof, so the sauce ended up being half her recipe and half mine. The onions were underdone, she put a whole jar of ragu in the sauce, and insisted that in addition to my carefully selected spices and herbs I put in a pre-made sauce packet. The spaghetti sauce was better than what Nana makes, but much, much worse than what I make. I'll be honest, it was disgusting. Luckily everyones taste buds are so burned out with spicy food that no one could really tell how bad it was but me. I expect that all my cooking will be like this, a fact which causes me an undue amount of frustration, so I will write no more about it except to say this: I am a very good cook, and am not responsible for the times when people insist I do things their way and so screw up my recipes beyond recognition.

Monday, August 17, 2009

I visited my Great Aunt Peggy today. My Grandpa Joe was ready to go after only two hours, but since I drove (and subsequently pretended to lose the key) we were able to stay for a decent amount of visiting time. Aunt Peggy took Nana and me to Anthropologie, a store which we apparently have in Salt Lake, but which I have never been to or even heard of. However, I found that it's a store I am quite fond of. I avoided the temptation of blowing this fall's textbook money on a dress I look absolutely fabulous in, but I couldn't resist spending two months worth of utility money on a dress I look pretty darn good in. I am sad about not getting the fabulous dress, but I figure I can camp out outside of the Salt Lake location and mug the next person to buy it.

While the women went shopping, my Uncle Clark and Grandpa Joe stayed home and programmed my Grandpa's new GPS system. Just to try it out, Grandpa Joe programmed it to guide us home, then spent the whole ride contradicting it and telling me to ignore its directions. Apparently he thinks the new GPS is neat, but doesn't really trust it.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Today I took my Auntie Angel and my Nana Barbara to the doctor's office in Sacramento (which is about an hour away from Stockton). My Auntie Angel had cervical cancer previously, so she was going to a check-up to make sure that everything was going alright. Everything except the traffic was fine; I finally learned why my Grandpa hated commuting, and now hates driving anywhere. California driving is intense.

After the doctor's office I took a nap. Apparently it was so hot that I took off my clothes in my sleep, because I woke up to my Grandpa yelling in surprise and slamming the door. He had come in to wake me up, only to find a solely-(and luckily)-underwear-clad Kimber who just grunted and rolled over at his shock. Nana had to come in an shake me awake. I apologized profusely and explained what must have happened, but now my Grandpa refuses to be the one to wake me up.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I didn't do much today besides show my Grandpa how to use his computer. He's had it for years, but my younger cousins have installed so much junk on it that he can't tell what's what anymore. Grandpa also wants to buy himself a laptop and set up a wireless system, so I'll be doing that with him this weekend. I think it's neat that my Grandpa likes to keep up with technology, but it's a little frustrating how many times he has to be told how it works.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Nana and I returned to my Aunt Peggy's for a girls' day. We went to see Julie & Julia, went out to lunch, and went shopping at the mall near Aunt Peggy's house. I'm fairly poor, and usually not interested in shopping as an activity (what fun is it when you don't have any money to spend?), but this mall was amazing. It had an H&M, a Tiffany & Co., and even a Louis Vuitton store. What I would give to be a trophy wife in possession of a Black American Express card.

Friday, August 21, 2009

My cousin Joey, his son Takeo, and Takeo's mom Rae Anne came to visit today. Since they were spending the night my Nana Barbara booted Spartacus outside and thoroughly cleaned the house. I thought this was ironic as Spartacus has only thrown up once, while Takeo is constantly puking, and even pooped on two separate sets of sheets. I spent most of the day anxious about my dog and lonely without him, while everyone else watched football. Boo.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Since Joey, Rae Anne, and Takeo spent the night, but I was already in the guest room, Nana was going to sleep with Grandpa Joe (they have separate bedrooms). However, I found out today that rather than share a bed with Grandpa for one night, Nana slept on the couch. At first I thought it was because he likes to get up and play computer games in the middle of the night, but then she told me it was because he said he had a ghost in his room. Apparently my Grandpa saying that he hears things right before he goes to sleep was enough to convince my Nana Barbara never to sleep in his room again.

The whole family went to a Barbecue at my Auntie Angel's house today, so Spartacus spent most of the day outside, alone in the heat. I had an okay time at my Auntie's, despite the fact that I don't have a lot in common with that part of the family (they like sports and are diabetics, I like not moving around a lot and chocolate), but apparently Spartacus was miserable. When I tried to bring him in later that afternoon he was very, very, very excited, if you know what I mean. I had to wait five minutes before his excitement went down and he was decent enough to present to my grandparents. I even gave him a bath, despite the fact that Takeo is much stinker than Spartacus ever is. Also, Takeo puked on me. It went all down my front and now I smell like baby barf because I think some might have gotten in my hair. I have no idea why people like him more than Spartacus.

Scary Ass Navy Watch...

This is Seaman Renshaw with another important announcement:

Today I went on a special type of watch called a Topside sentry. Robot probably knows what those terms mean but since none of you really have any Idea what I'm talking about, I'll explain what I did in as short a sentence as I can: I walked in a building checking classified vaults and making sure everything was locked, then I returned to the front and gave my report to the Petty officer of the deck. That's what a Rover does.

When I first arrived to the Lewis Hall, I looked at its integrity and observed that it looked similar to those buildings you see in horror movies: abandoned yet functional. (It took me ten minutes to find the front door to that son of a bitch). When I got inside I immediately went on my topside sentry rove. I would now like to point out that I was the only person in the building other then the person on the front desk. I would also like to point out that the maintenance in this building was super shitty. the walls had mildew caked from years of negligence, there was a drinking fountain that was flooded and broken, weird sounds came from the upstairs, some of the doors opened and shut on their own. What creeped me out the most was the bathroom: the bathroom when you first enter, had a flickering light directly above one of the two stalls. There was also a shadow coming from underneath the stall like someone was there. When I looked inside there was nothing, the shadow was gone after that.

I also went upstairs where the weird sounds resided. There were no lights, but I was required to check a door there: the roof access. That door was dead bolted. I didn't explore the rest it to see where the weird sounds came from.

In the end I have to wonder what madness lurks behind these vaults. Could it be mythos beings from another dimension in whom we perform experiments on? Could it be a new source of power... that's evil? Or is it just the chiefs porno and I'm shitting myself for nothing