Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Nolan's Unbridled Jealousy

Though Nolan makes a good case for Devin's and my alleged relationship, I am more than able to refute his accusations. Furthermore, I can prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that Nolan is a jealous, lonely little man who only wishes he got along as well with Amber, his (girl)friend, as Devin and I do as regular friends. Eat your heart out law-school junkies, Kimber is about to get judicial on Nolan's ass.

"They always have overly friendly conversations."

Devin and I have friendly conversations because we understand social cues and norms. We have similar interests, and on any given day neither of us smell too badly, so we can make it a full twelve minutes before calling each other a "butt". This is how normal friendships work, Nolan. Take notes.

"They always plan and talk mainly with each other, even though other friends are around like me, robot, or ferret."

A bit of explanation for our non-us readers: robot and ferret are our Nerd Night compadres. Nerd Night is a very sophisticated weekly event with the most intelligent of activities and only the most refined conversations. Onward.

We talk mainly with each other on the subjects only Devin and I are interested in. We've also ignored each other to talk to Robot or Ferret when we didn't have a mutual interest in the subject. Nolan really doesn't come to Nerd Night that often because he's busy not dating Amber, so what he doesn't realize is that the four of us usually spend Nerd Night talking about him and his weird red hair. This is a little awkward for Devin, who has the same red hair, but we compensate by letting him borrow The Office DVDs.

"When kimber is alone she always whispers the name: Devin. (I know! I hid a camera in kimber's room. Don't ask me why, I won't tell you)."

I found that camera in my room. I cut out the shots of me undressing and put in a shot of Nancy Pelosi undressing. I got it off the internet at a political fetish site. The lady had to do something to earn her campaign money. What worries me is that Nolan hasn't said anything about it, but I'm pretty sure he's been drooling over that footage for a month. Maybe he's into that sort of thing. I hope Amber knows.
As to whispering the name Devin, I've been trying to swear less recently, so I've been replacing "damn it" with "Devin". Saying Devin's name also helps me to blame him for everything that goes wrong in my life, which makes me feel better. I find spreading blame around to be a very effective coping skill.

"Devin has a secret stash of kimber pictures under his bed, (that I don't know about)."

Of course Nolan doesn't know about Devin's box of pictures of me, because he's too busy going through his box of Nancy Pelosi pictures. I think there could possibly be some Hillary Clinton ones thrown in there too. Additionally, Amber might have snuck in a few pictures of herself, but I think Nolan used those up that time he had too much fiber and ran out of toilet paper. What Nolan also doesn't know is that the pictures of me are all copies of the same picture, and on the back of that same picture is my film acting resume (first film credit: young girl in The 4th Witness. Sweet Success!). Devin has these because he is my agent and has been working hard for the last nine and a half years to get me my Oscar-winning role. He hasn't quite done it yet, but I'm sure he will. He has gotten me a few roles in some pornos, but I've had to turn those down because of my extreme nudophobia. (This isn't true, I actually have no shame and have shocked my doctor by being butt naked and fully prepared for a physical (most girls apparently hem and haw about lifting their shirt a little so the doctor can listen to their breathing with that cool doctor thingy) the truth is that I wanted more money, and the porno people wanted bigger breasts. It just didn't work out.)

"Devin always allows Kimber to color his works of art even though she sucks at coloring; and usually ruins his art."

This is just a blatant lie. I am awesome at coloring. Sometimes my work has been slightly sub-par because some of my colored pencils suck, but overall I think I'm very good at coloring. Really, it's the only aspect of art I have any real interest in. Nolan just wishes he had my wicked sweet coloring skills. On a side note, I couldn't really work in a dig about Amber in this retort, so I'll just say [in a sing-song, playground voice] "Nolan and Amber, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage!"

"Devin always compliments kimber to the Nth degree. He said that she was a better colorer than Amber, This is actually very untrue, Kimber leaves a bunch of white marks when using colored pencil. Amber does not."

I've addressed Nolan's wildly untrue accusations about my coloring skills in my previous statement. As to Devin complimenting me, I'll admit that our friendship is not based solely on insults, but they do comprise at least 60%. For evidence, please see the blog post for September 11, 2008, titled "I thought about deleting The Ghetto Film Contest but I want it to act as a monument to laziness". Additionally, I am a much better colorist than Amber, though I'll admit that she is much better at stalking than I am.

"Well I'm done telling the TRUTH for now, but in the future expect posts on a future wedding."

I think I've satisfactorily shown that the "truth" Nolan is telling is little more than the twisted workings of a deranged mind. I do, however, believe that there will be news of a wedding soon. I've heard Amber's going to propose.


  1. This was posted at 2:45 a.m.! You are such a winey little girl! You're the kind of girl that won't rest until justice is served. And when i say justice, I mean your twisted view of justice; like how all red heads should die.

    The fact that you got mad at my last post proves I was right about the secret relationship. Anyway ferret agrees with me.

    This is you :-@

  2. Nolan your still an ass brother. Kimber, thanks for clearing that up.

  3. You wouldn't still have the address to that political fetish site, would you? It's for my, um, friend....

    Anyway, if you think of it, me and the elephant will be in the corner, playing cards.

  4. www.bush.com or try www.barerack.com